11. The Power of “And”

0:00 Hey, what’s up everybody? This is Jennie, the LDS mission coach and you are listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 11. The power of and I’m Jennie, the LDS mission coach, and whether you are preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission, embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the podcast today. Thanks so much for joining me. Some exciting things happening around here. I feel like I say every week, but so much fun happening in my business, I am getting really excited to launch my new free resource for return missionaries. It’s a three part video series that I’m super excited to share with you hopefully give you some tools to use when you get home from the mission to help your transition go more smoothly. I’m also working on in the horizon sometime in September, being able to offer a free webinar to missionary moms, where I can get you guys some help. And I can help you know how to better help your missionary which I’m super excited about being able to share all of those tools with you. So get excited. If you’re not on my email list, you should hop on there, you can find you can hop on my email on my Instagram, or at my website, Jennie dildine.com. And hop on there so you don’t miss a beat. So you can find out about all of the cool things that are coming up for currently serving missionaries preparing missionaries return missionaries and pre missionary mamas I’m coming for you in September, on Monday had a fun conversation with my missionary who has been serving now for two years. On Monday, it was actually his last P day. And I don’t know if any of you can relate to this. But there’s a lot of emotions kind of on that last conversation that you have with your family, or with your missionary on that last PD. So I asked him, I said, How are you feeling? Because he comes home on Friday, and by the time this podcast airs, that will be the day that he is coming home from his mission. And so I asked him, How are you feeling about coming home. And this is what he said. He said, I’m sort of getting to the point where I’m excited to come home and to be with all of you again. But he said on the other hand, when I really actually start thinking about coming home, and that my mission is going to be done. I start to tear up and get really sad. And I said to him Oh, totally. That’s right. Right. He’s he’s feeling exactly the way that we feel, particularly in these transitional times of leaving on a mission coming home from a mission even in other transitional times. Like graduating from high school, starting a new job after college. We have a lot of mixed emotions. And so what I said to him is I said it’s both than right? And he said yes, he’s feeling excited. And he’s feeling a little bit sad. And it’s fine. It makes sense. He is feeling both emotions at the same time. And this is one of the reasons

4:23 I decided to do a podcast this week on the power of the word. And it’s a concept that I use with many of my clients and it can be so powerful. So I’m going to explain it to you. And then I’m going to give you tons of examples. And I hope that this concept helps you if you have listened to any of my podcasts up until now you know that I talked pretty extensively about our caveman brain or sometimes I call it the primitive brain or your lower brain. It’s the one that is in charge of keeping you safe. So Small and protected. That brain that lower brain loves all or nothing thinking. It loves, either, or thinking it’s much more efficient for our brains, because it can just compartmentalize our surroundings. It sort of helps our brains decide what information is useful to take in, and what information is not necessarily useful to take in. For example, one way our brain does this is with things that we prefer. Either we’d like chocolate, or we don’t. Right? I mean, I like chocolate. But I have met some people that don’t like chocolate. Either. We like scary movies, or we don’t some people love scary movies, I don’t happen to be one of those people. Either we like math, or we don’t see how in these examples, this just makes it much simpler for our brains. It’s sort of like when something comes up with chocolate, we’re like, Nope, don’t need to worry about that. When something comes up with scary movies, my brain can just be like, nope, not doing that. And math, some of us would be like, I’m in Let’s go. And some of us would be like, maths, not really my thing. So it makes it easier for our brains. Remember that lower brain likes to be a little bit lazy and to make things as easy as possible to separate out and to filter through information. With all or nothing thinking, then our brain can weed out information that’s not useful. It also kind of allows us to quickly relate to people, this all or nothing thinking, if you came up to me and said, I don’t like scary movies, I would be like, same, like 100% were the same, right? Here’s another example of how our brains like all or nothing thinking, it comes up when we are sizing things up around us. Either our vacation was fun. Or it was not fun. The day was either too hot, or too cold. My professor was either in a good mood, or he was in a bad mood. And I hear this one a lot from my kids, especially this summer. I mean, they’re having fun, or I’m just really bored. Again, this is a way for our brain to kind of compartmentalize what is going on around us and the information that the brain is taking in, it can make better sense of the people in our lives, it can make better sense of the experiences that we’re having. It’s basically a way for our brain to organize our world. Now notice in all of these examples, I have used the words, either or either the vacation was fun, or it was not fun. What our brains like to do in this all or nothing thinking or we can also call it either or thinking is our brains put each option on one end of a spectrum. Typically, they’re opposite. So like Professor is in a good mood is on one end of the spectrum. And Professor is in a bad mood. On the opposite end of the spectrum, or on one side with my kids, either we’re having fun today. Or clear on the other end of the spectrum on that continuum is we’re bored today. What happens when we do this and our brains like to but what happens is we end up picking a side our brain wants us to pick a side.

9:19 And then what happens is our brains try to prove whatever side we believe it tries to prove that belief true. And what is much more challenging for our brain is to hold two ideas at the same time, especially when to our brain. They seem like opposites. It feels kind of uncomfortable to our brain. Because we experienced some cognitive dissonance and cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we experienced when we are trying to hold on to those two opposing ideas. Our brain wants us to be an all or nothing Thinking, it takes much more energy for our brain to hold both ideas at the same time. The problem with all or nothing thinking is when we subscribe to it, it inherently creates one option that is more desirable. And one option that is less desirable. And then what happens is we get in this internal tug of war, can you relate to this, it’s where we get in those spinning thoughts like, I can’t figure this out. Either I’m having fun, or I’m bored, and I can’t be both. So then our brain tries to prove one true, but then we don’t want to be bored. And we just get in this back and forth, and back and forth. And that never feels good. But what’s true is in between, I’m having a good day, and I’m having a bad day, there are so many other options. Life actually has so much more like nuance to it than that. A little while ago, my youngest daughter was trying to tell me that either I liked watching the TV series Once Upon a Time with her. Or I liked watching the ESPN series, the last dance with my older boys. Notice how in her brain, it was either or either I liked once upon a time, or I like the last dance. And maybe you find this in your day to day life too. Here are some examples for you. Either we are really struggling, or we still want to be on a mission, our brain kind of tells us it’s one or the other. Either we judge ourselves too harshly, or we love ourselves just the way we are. Here’s another example. Either we have let COVID Send us into worry fits or we know everything is gonna be just fine, no problem at all. Either we’ve studied well enough for a test, or we’re gonna get anxious that we might mess it all up. Another example, either we feel confident in the dating scene, or we want to hide and feel insecure about who we are. Do you see how all of these are opposite polar ends of a spectrum, when it comes to the mission, judging ourselves COVID studying for a test and feeling confident, here’s a couple more for you that our brain tries to give us all or nothing thinking. Either we’re an obedient missionary, or we stay up a little later than we should. Our brain tells us those are two opposite ends of the spectrum. Here’s another one, either we are not sure how we feel about our reassignment, or we have perfect faith, that there’s a higher plan, our brain tells us like we can’t, it’s not both, we have to pick one. But so often, my friends, it’s both, it’s both ends of the spectrum, we can land somewhere in the middle with one of my favorite words in the English language, which is, and when we use the word and we make room for both options, we can drop that tug of war within ourselves, we make room for the nuance, for the gray for the compassion for the acceptance, and all of it, it sounds a little bit like this. I’m struggling on my mission. And I still want to be here. Or it sounds like this, I sometimes judge myself too harshly. And I love myself just the way I am. Here’s another example. I have let COVID kind of send me into worry if it’s and I also know that everything is going to be just fine.

14:15 Here’s the other one. I am an obedient missionary. And sometimes I do stay up a little bit longer than I should. We can be both. We can be obedient and sometimes stay up a little longer than we should. Here’s the one that has to do with the test. I studied well enough for the test and I’m also anxious that I might mess it all up. Or in the dating scene. I feel confident in the dating scene. And sometimes I want to hide and feel insecure about who I am. See how we can be both. It’s both end of the spectrum when we embrace that word and here’s another one that you might be experiencing I’m not too sure about how I feel about my reassignment. And I have perfect faith, that there’s a higher plan. When your brain wants to go to all or nothing thinking, just consider switching out one little word, instead of using either or use the word. And just like I told my daughter, I love watching once upon a time with you. And I love watching the last dance with your brothers. It’s both, Hi, I’m both, you are both. So go ahead and give yourself the gift of compassion and abundance. This word hand brings us to acceptance, compassion, and abundance for where we are, it’s an acceptance of what is true for us. Our brains want us to go to either end of the spectrum. But we can be both. And we are both by simply using the word and your roommate is not right, while you are wrong. Your roommate or your companion is right and wrong sometimes, too. And what’s true is you’re right, and also wrong sometimes, too. One of my favorite scriptures uses this idea of the word and in second Nephi 225. Now missionaries love to quote the Scripture all of the time, but they typically leave out the first part of the Scripture. This is the one about men having joy. And when I hear missionaries, like quote this scripture and make graphics about the Scripture and ask questions about this scripture, they say, men are that they might have joy. And we sometimes just quietly skim over the first part of the scripture. But you guys, Adam fell, the Scripture says Adam felt that men might be. And that’s the beginning of the Scripture. Adam fell in this part of the Scripture is actually super important. It was always part of the plan, that Adam would fall that we would come to this earth. And we would experience heartache and frustration and anxiety and worry and overwhelm and sadness. We’d experience grief, guilt, shame, nervousness, fear, and the list goes on. And on. And on. This beginning part of this scripture, Adam fell is critical, actually, to the plan. It’s the reason we’re here to experience that mortal journey to feel those feelings because it’s in those feelings, where we experience the most growth. If you ever thought about that before, when we’re happy, and everything’s going really well, we we kind of just coast along, when we’re experiencing those emotions that aren’t as easy to feel that is where the growth happens. So let’s not just quote this scripture like this, like an IP, and skip over that part and get to the joy part. Like this beginning part of the Scripture is also super important. Adam fell you guys. And so we live in a fallen world. And there’s stuff that’s going to happen and things that are going to be hard. But what’s also true is God’s plan is perfect, and because of Jesus Christ, God’s plan includes the word and the Scripture

19:11 reads, Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy. It’s not either we make mistakes, and live in a fallen world or we have joy. No, it’s and Adam felt that men might be which is awesome, right? And men are that they might have joy. My son, when we talk to him on Monday, is simultaneously excited to come home and sad to leave his mission. And I feel a little of that sadness for him too. But it’s actually a really beautiful thing. I have a couple more examples I want to share with you sentences that you might be thinking or something similar to this. I’m not a good mom or a bad mom. Life is not good or bad humans, and people are not good or bad. Missionaries don’t just feel good or feel bad. What’s actually true when we tap into this word and, and introduce that compassionate abundance is I’m a good mom. And sometimes I’m not such a good mom. It’s fine, though. Life is good. And sometimes it stinks. Sometimes it’s bad. And that’s okay to humans are good. And sometimes they behave badly. And it’s okay. And missionaries sometimes feel really, really good. And sometimes they feel really bad. And that’s okay to life, my friends, is both good and bad. We are both go ahead and try this. Quit using all or nothing thinking either I’m one thing or I’m the other thing and just try introducing some compassion, some love, some abundance, some acceptance for what is try giving yourself the gift of using the word. And thank you so much for listening to the podcast today. If you want to learn more about what I do, you can go to Jennie dildine.com. Or just come hang out with me on Instagram at Jennie dot the LDS mission coach and Jennie is spelled with an IE. Remember, no matter which part of the mission experience that you’re involved in, just know that Jennie the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day.