42. Loaded Words

Today I want to share with you a little thing to be aware of.  On this podcast you have learned that your thoughts create your feelings about your mission and your life, but sometimes a loaded word can get in the way.  

Listen in to learn:

•What loaded words are

•Why loaded words can be problematic

•Why our brains like loaded words

•What to do to overcome the loaded words our brains might be offering us.

When we pick apart loaded words, we empower ourselves to feel more of the way we want to.  Listen in to learn how.

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0:00 Hey, what’s up everyone? It’s Jenny, the LDS mission coach and you are listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 42. loaded words. I’m Jenny, the LDS mission coach. And whether you’re preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission, embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hey, everyone, and welcome to the podcast. I’m so excited to be hanging out with you today. I’ve had some fun stuff going on in the Dildine house, which is my second return missionary son got engaged. So yay for that sending so much love. And congratulations to my son and his new fiancee. The wedding is scheduled for the end of July. And we cannot wait. We are so excited. In fact, here’s a fun fact is that they met on the mission. So I know that the mission president and his wife are super excited about that, and that these two are getting together. So that’s awesome. I’m recording this podcast a little early because I’m headed to an event tomorrow. It’s through the Life Coach School, which is where I got certified. And I’m super excited to see lots of my coach friends, a couple of the people that have been on this podcast also, some of the coaches that I work with in Jodi Moresby BOLD Program, I’m excited to hang out with all of them. Also, Brooke Castillo, who started the Life Coach School. I’ve never seen her in real life. So I’m looking forward to that, that should be a lot of fun. Today, I definitely want to share a tip or a tool that I’ve kind of been thinking about over the last little bit. And I’m going to share that with you here in just a second. But I also wanted to let you know that I’ve got something amazing coming for preparing missionaries, I thought it was so fascinating in general conference that was just this last weekend, the emphasis on missionaries and their being able to serve and the work that they’re doing also a little bit about returned missionaries. And it just fueled my passion even more to get some more tools out to preparing missionaries. Something I’ve been thinking about is how the mission, we sort of think that the tough part is going to be getting the door slammed in our face, or maybe not knowing the language as well. Or maybe, you know, maybe someone doesn’t get baptized, or we don’t meet our goals, something like that. But what is actually true, you guys, and this is true after the mission as well, is what’s far more challenging than any of those things, is the mental and emotional pressures. And so what I do with missionaries with preparing missionaries with currently serving missionaries, and with returned missionaries is try to give them as many mental and emotional tools as possible, so that they can serve this successful and epic and brilliant missions that they know that they can serve without basically just getting in their own way. Like other stuff might get in your way, people might might not want to hear what you have to say. But as long as you’re not in your own way, with your own, you know, drama in your mind. And with your own drama in your heart, you will be golden. So I’ve got something super exciting for preparing missionaries coming up in the next couple of weeks. So keep an eye out for that. I cannot wait to share with you. By the way back to General Conference, I was actually listening through many of your ears, I was listening through the ears of those of you that are getting ready to serve. I thought about all of the missionaries all over the world right now that were able to watch conference. My sons used to tell me that General Conference was the closest thing that you get to a vacation on the mission. So I hope that that was true for you. I was also listening through the errors of a couple of my return missionary clients who I have been working with and I just want you to know that the things you guys do is tough, all of you and I am here for you. I want to be here for you every step of the way.

4:54 So in light of that I want to share with you a tool or strategy that I’ve been thinking about for a little While like I said, and it’s this idea of loaded words. And this tool you can use in any situation that you’re in, to give you more leverage to feel how you want to feel. So hopefully, when we start focusing on loaded words, it will empower you to be more in the driver’s seat of your thoughts and your emotions. Because what I teach here, you guys, and I’m sure you’ve heard this 100 times from me on my Friday stories for missionaries, and here on the podcast is that your thoughts create your feelings. Always, like really, you guys, always your thoughts, create your feelings. And so this is going to be a little bit of an advanced concept. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, with your thoughts, creating your feelings, or that all feels really confusing to you go back to Episode One facts versus thoughts, you could go to episode number seven, how to overcome any challenge. And you can get a little bit of a deeper dive on this. But suffice it to say, we have facts in our lives. And we have thoughts about those facts. And it’s those thoughts that make us feel emotions. It’s not the thing itself. But what I’ve started to notice is that our brain can be a little bit tricky. Sometimes one of the words that we have in the thoughts that we’re thinking one of the words has a bunch of other sub thoughts attached to it. You with me? So there’s a fact, let’s say, the fact is, there’s a girl named Brittany, totally random name, by the way, I just came up with that on the fly. So the fact is, there’s a girl named Brittany, well, we might have a thought about Britney, that makes us feel a certain way, we might have a thought that sounds like Britney is a toxic friend. Now notice how the word toxic, has a bunch of other thoughts attached to it. So this is what we are going to call a loaded word. So the word toxic, also has a bunch of other things that we think about, like we shouldn’t be toxic, that maybe she’s dangerous in some way that I needed to get away from her that it could be like relationship threatening. Just that word toxic, has a whole bunch of other thoughts attached to it. So there’s a couple reasons that this can be problematic. And there’s a couple reasons that it can prevent us from having the experience that we want to have, which is basically the emotion. Okay. This is just a thought. Brittany is a toxic friend. But when we use loaded words like toxic that have additional sub thoughts, right along with it, the thought itself, or the idea itself becomes bigger than necessary. Because of all this sub drama, our brain gives tons of meaning to that word toxic and makes it almost bigger than life. Secondly, because our brain starts to see it as bigger than life, and super dramatic, it sneakily makes it into a fact. Sort of like something that we can’t change, or that we can’t do anything about this, the loaded word makes it not only out of our power, but sort of super out of our power to think and feel how we want to about this friend. Notice how a Brittany was the fact and we just had this up Britney’s my friend. We could think whatever we wanted to about that. But when we add in toxic and all the sub thoughts that go along with it makes it very dramatic. It makes it very heavy. It makes it hard to untangle. Sometimes it even can make it hard to figure out what we want to think about this friend instead.

9:54 All of this to say very simply is when we use loaded words We lose our ability to think about it the way that we want to. It makes it bigger than life in our brain. And it changes it into a fact in our brain, something that we can’t do anything about something that we have no control over. When in fact, we always get to choose how we want to think and then feel about something. So what I actually recommend, is to just describe exactly what was said. Or exactly what happened just like you were a fly on the wall, watching it all go down. When you catch yourself thinking like Brittany is toxic, slow it down, what actually happened? What actually might have happened and what is actually happening is maybe the truth sounds a little bit like this one, my friend Brittany says these words, I have a hard time keeping my confidence intact. See what I mean? Instead of saying Brittany is just toxic. Let’s maybe what’s true is we have a hard time keeping our confidence in tact. Or instead of just saying Britney’s a toxic friend. Maybe what actually happened or what we observed happening is that Brittany left the party before she told me she was going to see how can we describe it that way. We like all the drama’s gone. It’s just exactly what happened. And then we have more power to decide what we want to think and feel about it, when we slow it down. And when we describe just what happened, we neutralize the situation, we kind of de escalate the situation. And it gives us a chance to take our power back and decide what we want to think in stead instead of being powerless to the drama or the loaded word. So I want to share a couple more examples with you. I was working with a client just as last week, who told me that he had had a meltdown. There it was, I saw it. I was like, oh, there’s a loaded word. So I asked him, I said, Okay, well, let’s explore what does that actually mean to have a meltdown? Describe to me what actually happened? And he said, Oh, I was at this event where someone was opening their mission call. And I started having all of these spinning thoughts. And I said, Okay, well, what else? What when did the meltdown start? And he said, Well, I started breathing really heavy. Then I left the house, got in my car and drove around for a while, while I cried. And then I went home. And I was like, Okay, how long did you cry? And he was like, I don’t know, maybe 10 minutes or so. And you guys, that was it. Now, didn’t we all have like 100 ideas and sub thoughts about what a meltdown was? Like, did that mean like, he was crying on his floor for four hours? Like, see how that was a loaded word. And we had a bunch of sub thoughts associated with it. And when we just slowed it down, and was like, wait, what actually happened? It wasn’t that bad. And so I said to him, I said, that was it. And he was like, Yeah, I guess that was it. And I said to him, how do you want to think about the fact that you started breathing heavy, left the house, got in your car, drove around for a while and then cried for 10 minutes? He was like, I guess I want to kind of think that that was totally fine. And I’m like, You’re right. It was totally fine. See what we did there.

13:58 loaded words usually add a sense of desperation, or hopelessness or fear. Remember, loaded words, make it feel like something is bigger than us. Here are a few more examples. I was talking to a sister who’s serving on the mission. And there are a few sister missionaries. She’s now an STL. And there’s a few sister missionaries who are starting to kind of struggle. And so we were talking about how she was going to go in and be able to help these sister missionaries. And what she said to me, I said, Well, what are your plans? What are you going to do? And she’s like, first things first, we gotta go in and we got to do a triage. Now like Bing, bing, bing. There’s the loaded word. What do you guys think about when you think the word triage when it comes to missionary work? When I think of triage, I’m like, who’s dying? This is life or death. We got to attend to the worst people first. Like this is up to me to save their life. Notice how we have all these sub dots with the word triage. And so I said, Okay, triage, but is triage the way we want to think about this? What’s actually happening? Let’s slow it down. Tell me exactly what’s going on for these sisters. And what we decided was, so there’s some sisters, and they have some negative thoughts about themselves. And then they don’t feel very good. Okay, cool. What do we want to do about that? How can we effectively help them with these thoughts and about how they feel about themselves? See what I mean? I have another example for you. I was working with a returned missionary, who said that he started kind of having questions about the gospel, and about how things worked. And his, one of his family members has recently decided that they were stepping away from the church. And so he said to me, I’m worried that I’m going to go into a faith crisis. And I said, in my mind, I’m like, oh, there it is, again, there’s a loaded word. Notice how all of us listening to this podcast right now, when we hear the word faith crisis, there’s a bunch of sub thoughts, tons of them that go with that. And so I said to him, I said, What does that even mean? Like to my client, I was like, what does it actually mean to have a faith crisis? And are we sure it’s useful to think about it that way? When I asked him, what’s actually going on here? And he said, Hi, I guess what’s actually going on as I have a few questions. I’m feeling the feeling of doubt sometimes. I was like, yeah. Okay, how do we want to feel about that? Is it okay, like that? You have some questions, and you’re feeling some doubt. He was like, Yeah, I guess it’s okay. Notice how crisis is so desperate faith crisis, I was actually listening to another podcast where someone was talking about a faith crisis. To someone that wasn’t a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. And, and the woman who was doing the interviewing was like, Wait, what’s a faith crisis? That sounds terrible. And I think we just use this word like in our religion, and I’m not sure that it’s useful. So what you have some questions, so what you have some doubt, what do we want to think and feel about that? Okay, I have a few others that I want to share with you. When that I heard from a mom who told me that her son was coming home earlier than expected, and someone on the mission had told this Mom, he’s got to come home, he’s just completely broken. Okay, this one kind of gets me going. Because we should never use the word broken with a human. Okay? Broken is something that happens to iPhones screens, and maybe our cars, or dishes or something, never a human. So instead of saying, this missionary is broken, or my return missionary is broken, see how loaded that is? And see how many sub thoughts are associated with that. Let’s just say, what’s true, is my return missionary or my missionary don’t feel very good about themselves right now. was true is my return missionary is only getting out of bed three out of seven days. That’s it. See how to de escalate it when we just talk about what’s actually going on?

19:00 All right, I have a couple other examples for you babying I had a return missionary client who said my parents are just babying me. And of course off when the alarm in my head and I was like, what does that even mean? What does it mean that they’re babying you? And he said, well, there was like these loan documents that I was supposed to, like sign for my new car. And my parents were like, make sure you get those loan documents signed. And I was like, that’s it. I was like, Yeah, I guess that’s it. So we don’t need to use the word baby. I’m like, how do we feel? And what do we want to think about the fact that your parents said what they said and do what they did? Sometimes I want to point out to you guys that even words that don’t seem loaded, are loaded. I just had someone email me and she asked me to do a podcast on coming home early and she has the option to go back out And so I said, Of course, I’ll do a podcast on that. She’s trying to decide if she wants to go back out. But again, when I read her email, that word early, was loaded. And I think we talked about early return missionaries, that early is a loaded word. It’s got a whole bunch of sub thoughts attached to it. And the reason that we know that when we talk about a mission and be coming home early is loaded, because it’s not like when we say I got up early, everyone anyone’s like, oh, no, or I went to work early. That’s not loaded at all, when we use early in those sentences is not loaded, because there’s not a bunch of sub sentences and sub thoughts attached to it. So I’m totally going to do a podcast on that here in the next little bit. So instead of deciding, I came home early, just decide like, I thought I was gonna serve 24. And I served four. Okay, that’s different than I thought. That’s it. See how when we neutralize it, we get to decide what we want to think, be on to your brain when it wants to use loaded words, words that are bigger than necessary words that are dramatic, and words that make us feel powerless to change in our lives the way we want to think and feel about something. I want to give another caution here also to be aware of when other people use loaded words, whether that’s your leaders, your mission leadership, your roommates, your friends. And then the last thing I’ll caution you of is using loaded words with other people, whether you’re talking to your missionary, or whether you’re in leadership on the mission, okay? Or whether you’re talking to your roommate, be careful about using toxic, babying triage early in this certain situation. Instead, just take a step back and ask yourself, what is actually happening? What’s actually going on here. That is how you will be able to totally empower yourself even more. So keep taking a look at your thoughts. Keep understanding that your thoughts create your feelings. Change your thoughts if you want to don’t change your thoughts if you want to. But maybe from now on you’ll have a little bit of a red flag for those loaded words. And we can let those loaded words go and just describe exactly what was said or exactly what’s happening. It will give you so much awareness and really change your ability to empower yourself to feel whatever you want to feel. All right. I hope that this little tip gives you a little bit of something to think about. And I hope you guys have an amazing week. Take care. Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. Listen, if you are learning a lot from this podcast and you like what you’re hearing, you will absolutely love hopping on a free strategy call with me. That’s where you and I meet up one on one and talk specifically about what is going on for you. I love teaching young adults the mental and emotional tools that they need to overcome worry and anxiety serve the successful missions they’ve always dreamed of and navigate their post mission experience with confidence. So go to Jennie dildine.com, and click on the work with me link. I would love to meet you. And I would love to get you some helpful tools and strategies to help you fully embrace whatever is next for you.

23:55 And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you are involved in. Just know that Jenny, the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day

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Hey! I'm Jennie - The LDS Mission Coach.

Preparing for, serving and coming home from an LDS Mission can present countless changes and transitions. I’ve seen these changes put missionaries at the mercy of their emotions and questioning their abilities. With the tools I teach, young adults empower themselves to navigate every moment of the mission experience with epic, unwavering confidence.

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