50. The 50/50 Rule

0:00 Hey, what’s up everyone, it’s Jennie Dildine, the LDS mission coach and you are listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 50. The 5050 rule. I’m Jennie the LDS mission coach. And whether you’re preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission. Embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hey, what’s up everyone, and welcome to the podcast. I, as always, I’m super excited to be hanging out with you today. This is our 50th episode. Wait, what? I thought this is crazy. I just decided about a year ago to start a little podcast, get going on it. And I have done 50 episodes. And I hope the episodes here have helped you. Fun stuff going on in life. My oldest son, he has been married for a year now. That’s super exciting. Also, in the month of May, my dog gram, maybe you’ve seen him on my Instagram story or on my Facebook story. II turned five. Also, my one of my sons turned 18 and May, he still has another year of high school. So we’re glad we get to have that time with him. Also, I’m sure many of you graduated from high school, I’m sure many of you are getting ready to go on missions. Summer seems to be a really, really busy time to come and go from missions. And so I do want to mention on here if you haven’t gotten it already, my one tool. And it’s the one tool that I teach all of my preparing missionary clients that has the ability to change your entire mission. It’s a quick little video that you can watch with a couple strategies in there for ways to kind of manage your mission and think about your mission. Every preparing missionary should watch this video to get mentally and emotionally prepared for the mission. So I’m gonna link to it in the show notes, I highly recommend that you go get it send the link also to anybody that you know any preparing missionaries, let’s get more mental and emotional tools out to our missionaries. Listen, the mission is supposed to be hard. But I don’t think the mission needs to like cause a suffering and shut us down. And if we have emotional and mental tools and strategies, we actually can manage any of the challenges that come our way in a healthy and productive way. And that is what I am all about my friends empowering you, your missionaries, your return missionaries to create the exact experience that they want on their missions to navigate their post mission experience with confidence.

3:25 When you’re empowered, there’s nothing you can’t do. So go get that video. You can find it here in the show notes. Or you can just go to Jennie dildine.com, forward slash one tool, all one word, and you can grab that video and watch it. So good. I highly recommend everyone take a look. The other fun thing is we are getting closer to a wedding. We’ve got a wedding the end of July. My son and my soon to be daughter in law are taking their engagement photos. I’ve been working on their announcements. We’re like figuring out venues and food and photography and all that fun stuff. We did a wedding a year ago, last May like I mentioned, and now we’re doing one again. And it’s just fun. It’s such a fun celebration of life and of love. And these two, by the way, I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned this on here, but my son who’s getting married this summer, they actually met on the mission. I kind of just feel like it was meant to be because he was actually on a mission in Australia. And then when COVID happened he ended up coming home for five months and then got reassigned to the mission where she was serving. They kind of served around each other. And then once they were both home, they decided to kind of see where things would go and here we are. They’re engaged and they’re getting married and we’re super happy for both of them. Of course, we love her. She is amazing. Today I want to talk about the 5050 rule. And I didn’t even put it together honestly that this was the 50th episode. And I’m talking about the 5050 roll until I recorded the little intro for this podcast. And so it is kind of funny that it’s the 50th episode, we’re talking about the 5050 roll. And I should have talked about it a long time ago. And and I know that I sort of allude to it here and there on this podcast. And so I’m sure you understand elements of it. But even if I should have done it before, it’s kind of awesome that I didn’t because now we get the 5050 rule on episode 50. How cool is that? Okay. So what I want to teach you today is that you have a higher brain and you have a lower brain. I cover it in episode two called Brain software. So you can go back and listen to that if you want. But what I want to offer to you today is that you do have two brains, you have a higher brain and you have a lower brain, your lower brain is in charge of keeping you safe, it’s in charge of keeping you protected, you also have a higher brain which can reason and plan. And it can imagine and it can think about the future. And the other skill that our higher brain has is we have the ability to think about our thinking. Now, that lower brain is always trying to, I’m going to just go over it quickly, conserve energy, avoid pain, and seek pleasure. It has three main objectives. So I really believe every thought that our brain offers us comes from one of those three places, which is basically just our lower brain, or sometimes I call it our caveman brain, or our toddler brain or a primitive brain. It’s always just trying to keep us safe and alive. Okay, this is the part of our brain, if we were in a burning building would say, hey, you know, what we should probably do is leave. Because this could be a little dangerous, and a little bit painful. But because we have this higher brain, and this lower brain, we are going to experience in our life 5050 We’re going to experience 50% of the time, we’re going to experience emotions that feel good, and 50% of the time, we’re going to experience emotions, that don’t feel as good. I don’t really like to talk about the thoughts my brain offers me as good or bad. I don’t really like to think about the emotions I feel as good or bad. They just are, it’s just my brain sometimes operating on default. And if I don’t kind of keep it in check or keep an eye on it, maybe like a toddler, then it kind of runs rampant, and kind of runs the show gives me all kinds of emotions sends me all kinds of thoughts. And, and it just does what it wants to do. But when I learned the skill of like observing myself with my higher brain, that’s called metacognition

8:23 when we develop this skill of just observing ourselves and what we’re thinking and feeling, then we can make some traction. But what you need to know and what the 5050 rule is, is half the time, gonna feel good. Half the time, it’s not going to feel as good. Okay, that’s the basis of it. So, as an example, let’s say my grandpa passes away, okay. And he did, I wish I could I really need to, like have it in my brain when he passed away, because I I talk about him actually quite a bit in my sessions and stuff with my clients as I talk about the 5050 rule, but let’s say that grandpa passes away, and half the time my brain is going to offer me some like conserve energy of Wade pain thoughts, sort of like, oh, gosh, I’m really gonna miss him. Then I’m going to feel sad. But the other half of the time, I’m going to sort of think from a higher place and be like, You know what, it’s okay, he’s in a better place. And then I’m going to feel some kind of peace and contentment, and all of that. Now, we want the lower part of our brain. And you might not be totally on board with me yet, but stick with me. First of all, if we didn’t have this lower part of our brains, we wouldn’t actually survive. We actually want the negative 50, quote unquote, negative 50. We want the 50. That doesn’t feel that good. And there are a couple of reasons why. Number one, it keeps us alive and keeps us functioning and safe. In fact, they’ve done studies on certain people where this part of their brain doesn’t function. And they, maybe they’ve had a traumatic brain injury or their brain didn’t develop in this way. They actually need someone constantly with them, to keep them safe. Like they would actually stay in the burning building. Or they might actually just decide to cross the road, and not understand that there’s danger there. So what’s interesting about that is they need someone with them at all times whose brain is working the way it should 5050 To protect the person whose brain is working abnormally high. So that’s the first thing is this lower part of our brain keeps us safe. The other thing I want you to consider is that this 50%, that doesn’t feel as good. We want that because it’s what makes life interesting is what makes life rich. This 50% is what gives our lives kind of meaning, and depth, and grit. And really makes life full and colorful, and vibrant. So let me explain what I mean by this. Let’s imagine a world where we just felt the emotion of happiness all of the time. That’s all we could feel we could only feel happy, we would be so consumed with happiness, that we wouldn’t even know that we were feeling it. So without this duality, or this balance of sadness, and happiness, happiness doesn’t even exist. And we see it all over in the scriptures, actually, and I’m going to share one particular experience from the Scriptures with you here in just a minute. But suffice it to say, without the sadness, we wouldn’t even know happiness picture like Adam and Eve just kind of being in the Garden of Eden forever. Right, that was never part of the plan that they would just stay there and be happy. It was actually part of the plan is that they would come out of the Garden of Eden, and they would experience the full range of human emotion. Listen, when my grandpa passes away. Or when something bad in the world happens. I want to feel sad. I don’t want to feel happy about stuff sometimes. And it’s totally okay that we do it. It’s just a function of our brain. But it would be weird, right? If something like hard in our lives happened, or maybe we’re just away from home on the mission, or maybe like someone close to us is going through something challenging. And we were just like, I just want to be happy about that.

13:24 I think that’s pretty sure the Scriptures say mourn with those that mourn. Right? So we actually do as humans, even though on the surface, we’re like, yeah, it’d be just easier if I was happy all the time. What’s actually true is it this depth, this grit, this 50%, that doesn’t feel as good is what gives life meaning it’s where the growth happens. It’s what keeps us alive, also. And it’s actually a really beautiful thing. I think I shared this analogy or this story with you in previous podcast. But I want to speak to it again here. It’s just interesting, because I was thinking about this again today, that the children of Israel, right, they were in bondage, and we’ve kind of been talking about that this year, and come follow me. And I know we’re way past that now. But the children of Israel were in bondage. And they had things that were amazing about being in bondage, that they had a bunch of positive feelings, right? And they also had a bunch of negative feelings. And not because being in bondage, like in slavery to the Egyptians is either good or bad. But because they had a human brain, so like maybe they’d be in the pits like making bricks and all of that, and they would have the thought like, this is really hard or it shouldn’t be this way or I can’t believe my life, but then maybe they’d go home and they would be with their family, and they would experience Since happiness, not because of the family itself, but because of their thoughts. So notice how though that even the children of Israel were sort of living the 5050. Right, and we sort of talked about the negative 50. But they were actually living the 5050 rule. And then they were freed from bondage. And then they went into the wilderness. And guess what happened, their brains went with them. They then experienced 5050 in the wilderness 50% of the time, their brains were like, This is amazing God’s delivered us. And 50% of the time, their brains are like, this is actually pretty terrible. But so fascinating. And I think I mentioned this in the last podcast about opposition in all things, that scripture, I love it so much. Opposition in all things isn’t just because our life is 5050. But because we have two brains, a higher brain and a lower brain, neither one is better than the other, neither is more important than the other, they were both necessary for us to survive, to thrive, to learn to grow, to become more like our Heavenly Parents, while we’re here on this earth. Like it just it wouldn’t even work being here on this earth if we didn’t have both. And it’s the emotion that doesn’t feel so good, that gives color and life and meaning to the emotions that feel a little bit better. I was talking today actually on a strategy call with a returned missionary. And listen, she’s sad. She’s really sad. She had an amazing mission. She’s feeling really sad, along with some other emotions, like confusion and anxiety, which is pretty normal. But what I focused in on with her is the fact that she was sad. or sadness, of course, comes from a thought. Right that and her main thought was like, I really miss the mission. Now notice how this sadness is the obvious counterpart, and balance to the happiness that she felt on the mission. Just interesting to consider that if she hadn’t felt happy and experienced so much happiness on the mission, she wouldn’t be sad. No. Actually, if the opposite were true, if she was sad, she was sad her entire mission and, and feeling lonely and dejected and sad. She might be happy about being home. Interesting, right? Life is 5050. There is duality, and balance in all things. And when I’m talking about balance, and duality, and all things, I really mean all things. Because any experience that we have, whether we’re home from the mission, on the mission, back from the mission, college, marriage, whatever it is, our brain goes with us. Just like the children of Israel, in bondage, they have brains out of bondage in the wilderness, they have brains,

18:23 higher brain, lower brain 5050 rule. Now, I’m guessing some of you are thinking, Now listen, Jennie, like, that’s not a very good thing to shoot for 5050. Really, we’re going to experience 50% positive and 50% in quote, unquote, negative. And listen, this is the way I like to think about it this way. And it’s not an exact science. It’s not like, half of a day, I’ll feel happy half of a day, I won’t feel as happy. I’ll feel sad. Not like that. But just as a general rule, because of these two brains, we can sort of expect an average of 5050. But let me tell you, what happens when we think we should be happier is when we think we should be happier. And we think we should be 80% Happy or 90% happy. And then we’re not. Because guess what? Here comes our brain again, then we think something’s wrong. So now not only do we feel a little bit sad, but we feel frustrated that we’re not happier. So what I just always recommend is I just say, Listen, it’s gonna be 5050. That’s a pretty good as a pretty good ratio to shoot for. And if like clients, they’ll know, maybe they’re dating or something like that. And they’re like, I just don’t feel confident. I’m like, Well, what percentage of the time do you feel like you’re confident on dates? They’re like, I don’t know, I, I feel confident, like, maybe 50% of the time. And I’m like, Yeah, perfect. Like, let’s not make something wrong, because you feel confident 50% of the time. This is a sign you guys that your brain is working exactly as it should. This is the way your brain works and wants to point out the problems and wants to point out the danger. It wants to point out the problems in ourselves, wants to point out the problems and other people it wants to point out the problems in our circumstance. Thanks, brain. And it’s totally fine, you guys. So I just highly recommend that you start thinking about your life in a 5050 way to you’ll be so much happier when you accept that life is 5050. So now on to the story that I wanted to share with you. And this is where Alma is talking in the scriptures in chapter 36. And I’m going to start in verse 17. Okay, this is Alma. And he’s kind of telling his sons about his experience when he was younger. And he said, this is when he like, the angel came, and he was kind of passed out for a few days. So he said, And it came to pass that I was thus wracked with torment. While I was held up by the memory of my many sins, Behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy, and to the people concerning the coming and coming of one Jesus Christ, a son of God, to atone for the sins of the world. I love this part so much, verse 18, where he says, now as my mind caught hold upon this thought, thoughts create feelings, you guys, when my mind caught hold upon this, that I cried within my heart, oh, Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, to him in the gall of bitterness, and I am circled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now behold, when I thought this, there’s the thought again, when I thought this thought I could remember my pains, no more. Yay, I was harrowing out by the memory of my sins, no more and verse 20. And oh, what joy? And what marvelous light, I did be holdiay my soul was filled with joy, as exceeding as my pain. Did you do you hear that? Like that duality, that balance, his joy was as exceeding as was his pain. That balanced out, okay. And then in verse 21, yay, I say unto my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains, yay. And again, I say unto my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite, and sweet, as was my joy. These scriptures right here, beautifully paint the 5050 rule. And notice that it was all happening in his mind. And in his body, thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings, but all of it is okay. That if we’re not willing

23:17 to feel the growth and the struggle, and the pain and the difficulty and the loneliness, we actually have less capacity to understand the happiness and the joy that we’re feeling. Kind of crazy, right? I never expect any experience to be 100% positive feelings. Like I just don’t even fool myself anymore. It’s kind of nice and less stressful to think something needs to feel a certain way. So our family just got back from Disney World a few weeks ago, was we were leaving on the trip. People were like, that’s gonna be so fun. And I’m like, yeah, it’s gonna be fun, and it’s gonna be terrible. A lot of the time, too. We’re all going to feel terrible and tired. And that’s what happened. Right? Even I just created a new mental mission prep course, for preparing missionaries that they can just kind of consume on their own. That whole process of making that happen was full of 50% emotions that felt good and 50% emotions that didn’t feel so good. Like sometimes I was like, I don’t even know why I’m doing this. I felt unmotivated. Sometimes, I was like, I really love doing this. And I felt really good. How just because of my brain. Going on any type of trip you’re gonna have 5050 Even in a semester of college 5050 Even just at dinner with your friends. 50% feels really good and 50% is maybe not gonna feel so good. Maybe in a lesson that you’re teaching, the mission in general is full of 5050 Coming home from the mission, I promise you, is 50% of emotions that feel good and 50% emotions that don’t feel so good. Same with dating, and I kind of alluded to this already in this podcast, dating is 5050 Half the time, you’re gonna be like, This is awesome, and so fun and half the time you’re gonna be like, I don’t know, it’s really stinks. And it’s all part of the process. It’s all part of God’s plan, actually, this life being a human, having two brains, creates the 50 rule. And as soon as we can be okay with that, the happier that we’re going to be overall. So I found this little quiz online, it was just kind of like a little test. Because the way I think about it, is the 5050 rule is happiness and sadness. We actually see examples of this all over nature, too. I think God wants us to understand that this experience here is supposed to be 5050. So we have day and night. We have light and dark. We have hungry and full. We have spring and fall or winter and summer. Life is 5050. But I looked up this quiz. And I was like, Okay, so we’re going to be 5050 sad and happy. What are their things go together? I want you to think about your emotions, like the ones that feel good. And the ones that don’t feel as good this way. See if you can complete this. Like salt and pepper. Did you guess it? Like shoes? And sucks? Like bread and butter? You got it? Like peanut butter and jelly. Right, like pen and paper? What about this one? hammer and nail? Ketchup? And did you get it? Mustard. Even this one sweet and sour, right? mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese. This is the last one. I mean, there were so many more but nuts and bolts. Actually, I want to finish on this one, song and dance. So the same way that we understand like, just intuitively and we really understand that these things go together. That’s how I want you to think about the 5050 rule. Whatever you’re experiencing, has an opposite and equal balance and duality to it in life.

28:14 Happiness and sadness go together. In fact, without one, the other one wouldn’t even exist. So this is what I want you to do. Next time you’re feeling a little bit down. I want you to be like, Oh, this is the 50% where I feel not so good. And it’s totally fine. Next time you’re feeling a little bit anxious, I want you to be like, Oh, okay, here’s the 50% where I feel a little anxious. Okay, like we know, it’s our brain is totally fine. Next time, you’re feeling amazing. I don’t want you to be like, I should feel this way more often. Why don’t I feel this way more often? I want you to be like, Oh good. This is the 50% where I feel awesome. Always part of God’s plan, always the way it was meant to be for our growth, for our progression to keep us alive. I hope that the 5050 rule helps you spend life changing for me, I hope it changes your mission. I hope it changes the way you see yourself and the way you view the world. I promise if you adopt this 5050 rule, you will actually create more acceptance, peace, love, abundance and happiness in your life. All right, everyone have the most amazing week. Take care. Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. Listen, if you are learning a lot from this podcast and you like what you’re hearing, you will absolutely love hopping on a free strategy call with me. That’s where you and I meet have one on one and talk specifically about what is going on for you. I love teaching young adults the mental and emotional tools that they need to overcome worry and anxiety, serve the successful missions they’ve always dreamed of and navigate their post mission experience with confidence. So go to Jennie dildine.com and click on the work with me link. I would love to meet you. And I would love to get you some helpful tools and strategies to help you fully embrace whatever is next for you. And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you are involved in, just know that Jenny, the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day