54. Relationship Game Changers

Our lives are full of people that we have realtionships with.  Whether it’s a relationsip with a companion, a fiancee, a professor, a roommate or a boss… these relationsips can often prove to be challenging.  On the podcast today, I’m talking all about some of the game changing ideas that have the ability to completely change any relationship that you are in.

Listen in to learn:

•What you should always plan to take responsibility for

•What other people’s behavior tells us about ourselves

•How to add more love, compassion and connection to your realtionships

•The thing you need to get rid of that has the ability to change any relationship for the better.

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0:00 Hey, what’s up everyone, it’s Jennie Dildine, the LDS mission coach and you are listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 54 relationship game changers. I’m Jennie, the LDS mission coach. And whether you are preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission, embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hey, everybody, welcome to the podcast. Happy June. I’m really thrilled and excited to be hanging out with you today, I wanted to just tell you a little bit about what’s going on in my life right now and in my kids lives. So the day that this episode airs, we will have sent out wedding announcements, which means we are four weeks away from my son’s wedding. And I can’t remember if I mentioned this on the podcast or not, but my son and his fiance actually met out on the mission. And of course, they kept their hearts locked, or whatever you’re supposed to do. You’re out on the mission. I think that’s the term that missionaries use. But once my son got home, and my soon to be daughter in law got home from their missions, my son reached out and said, Hey, I think we should hang out, and they hit it off. And here we are, they’re getting married in four weeks. So that is kind of fun. So lots of things going on with that. I also, by the way, the day that this episode comes out will be my husband’s birthday. So shout out to Mike, my husband, he’s amazing. And he has been supporting me all these years. And I love the way that I get to support him in all of our adventures. He’s an amazing guy. And at the same time after the fourth on July 5, is also our wedding anniversary. So when we got married, on July 5, at the time, it was a great idea. Because everyone was going to be in town, everyone could take work off, and it was gonna work out great. Now, it’s a little bit tricky to celebrate our anniversary. But listen, we’re going to be at 25 years, it’s a quarter of a century that I’ve been hanging out with my husband, and married to him. So with all of these milestones kind of happening to do with me and my husband and our relationship to do with my son and his soon to be marriage. I’ve just been thinking about relationships more, and what are some of the things that make a successful relationship. So I kind of went back in my own mind to my relationship with my husband years ago when I was in my early years. And what I sort of believed was that my husband was responsible for making me happy, my husband was responsible for making me feel loved. So we’re gonna circle back to that in just a second. But what I want you to understand is that this idea of relationships, and these game changers that I’m going to share with you today could be applied to any relationship, okay? It could be someone you’re dating, it could be your relationship with your companion. It could be your relationship with your employer, or your professor, or your mission president. These kind of tools or strategies I’m going to share with you today have the ability to completely change the game. Okay. So, I’m going to share those with you now. And number one is you’re in charge of creating your own love and connection. Number two, stay out of each other’s model. Number three, take away the meaning. Number four, accept yourself first. And number five, throw away your manual. Okay, so

4:49 let’s start with number one. I kind of got ahead of myself and already started talking about it but let’s kind of dive into number one right now. You are in charge of Creating your own love, and connection. And like I said, all those years, I thought it was my husband’s job. I thought that if he just treated me a certain way, or if he just took out the trash, or if he just picked the kids up from school that I would feel loved. But what you guys need to know, and this is a game changer is that no one else is in charge of making you feel loved. No one else is in charge of making you feel connection. No one else is in charge of making you feel fulfilled. Okay, now, why is this true? If you’ve listened to anything that I’ve taught on this podcast, you know, what I teach here is that your thoughts? Create your feelings. So what’s true is my thoughts about myself and about my husband create my emotions. So if I want to fill myself up with love, I got to think loving thoughts. If I want to fill myself up with connection, I’ve got to think those thoughts that create connection, I love this one for missionaries who are serving right now. Because we sort of think, Oh, now we’re far away from home, or our missionaries are far away from us that we can’t feel that same level of connection. But connection, my friends is a feeling that we get to feel anytime we want to. Because we create and we generate that emotion with how we think. So thoughts that create love. It’s just so fun to spend time with my husband. That’s one thought. Another thought that creates love. I just think he’s an amazing human being. Another thought that creates love, for me love inside my body is, gosh, how did I get so lucky, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Hey, so I want you as always on this podcast, whether you’re a missionary, or you’re a returned missionary, I want you to be empowered to create the experience you want to have. So if you want some more love in your life, guess what you’re gonna have to do, you’re gonna have to think more loving thoughts about your companion, you’re gonna have to think more loving thoughts about yourself, you’re gonna have to think more loving thoughts about your mission president, whatever it is, you guys, you create love, you create compassion, you create connection for your self. Let’s even think about it. I will never forget the night when my husband, we were up really late one night, it was probably around year 10. I don’t know of marriage, something like that. And I was just crying. And I never see my husband cry. But he was crying. He was like Jenny, I don’t know how to make you feel loved. I’ve tried everything that I can think of. And what I didn’t know at the time, but now I understand is that he can’t make me feel love. Love is an emotion that I feel in my body. When I think thoughts about him. Now our marriage is so much better. That was a game changer for me. When I really decided that the way that I want to feel is created by me. It’s not by what he does is not by what he says it’s not the way he behaves. It’s not his thoughts that create my emotions, my thoughts create my emotions. Okay, number two, stay out of each other’s model. Now, if you don’t know what I mean, when I say model, it’s the self coaching model. And if you go back to episode seven is called How to overcome any challenge and there I talk in depth about the self coaching model. it’s Brooke Castillo is self coaching model. It’s the model I use to coach all of my clients. Okay. So what I mean by this when I say stay out of each other’s model, it means stay in your own thought and feeling combination. And let the person you’re in a relationship with stay in their own thought and feeling combination.

9:41 So when your companion behaves in a certain way, or let’s say someone you’ve been on a few dates with, let’s say they decide to ghost you. Or we could even say that someone that you’ve been teaching on the mission, go seal what I want you to do is stay out of their model, what our brains want to do is they want to make it mean something about us. Our brains want us to believe that their behavior was caused by our thought and feeling. We start to think thoughts like, well, maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have behaved that way. Maybe this is about me, our brains make everything about us. But just tell yourself, Wait a second, the way this person is showing up isn’t about me, or this way, this person is not showing up. If they’ve ghosted you is not about me. Their actions that they take in their model are driven by their thought and feeling. Then we have some ability to sort of influence the way that people think. But still, ultimately, their action comes from their thought, which creates a feeling which drives their action. The truth is the way other people behave, their model tells us about them. It actually doesn’t tell us anything about us at all. So if my husband takes out the trash that comes from his emotion, which is maybe like motivated, and from his thought, which is like, I think I’ll take out the trash today. Okay. So it’s not, it doesn’t actually mean anything, I can let him take out the trash or not take out the trash, I can let we can let our companions be motivated or not motivated. It doesn’t mean anything about us. So stay out of their heads, stay in your head, stay in your model, focus on your thought and feeling. So number three, what I want you to do is I want you to take away the meaning. Now, because our brains want to make everything about us, what we tend to do is we try to add meaning to other people’s behavior. For instance, if I’m on a date, with my fiancee, and he happens to fall asleep, while we’re listening to a podcast, or while we’re watching a movie, what we tend to do is we tend to think that means something about me. We think it means I’m boring, he doesn’t care. So the question I want you to ask yourself is what am I making his behavior mean? And listen, it’s only painful. the thing itself is not painful, the fact that he fell asleep, but what’s painful is what we’re making it mean. So when your companion does something or says something, and you’re notice an emotion, like being frustrated or feeling sad, or feeling guilty, or feeling sort of dejected. I want you to go wait a second. I know, I know. That’s not about it’s not about me. But what am I making this mean? Oh, I see what I’m doing. I see what my brains doing there. I’m making it mean that he doesn’t care. But can you see how that sort of a stretch to think that just because he fell asleep? While we were watching this movie, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. what it might mean is he’s tired. So just beyond your brain, let’s take away that meaning that is loaded and that causes pain. Let’s just take things at face value. Okay, number four, this is super important is being able to accept yourself as often as possible, we want to generate feelings of love, feelings of connection, feelings of compassion for ourselves first. And what this means is that we understand fully that we are a human with a human brain and half the time we’re gonna mess it all up and half the time. We’re gonna be amazing. And it’s all totally fine. We don’t need to be any different. I promise.

14:35 You can just accept yourself and love yourself right where you are. This allows us to get out of perfectionism. This allows us to get out of people pleasing. This allows us to tap into authenticity, which I’m telling you you guys is the most attractive way to be. I want you to just as our When as possible generate the feeling of acceptance for you. This was another game changer in my marriage. Not only did I stay out of my husband’s model, not only did I take away all of the hurtful meaning that my brain was giving to all of the circumstances, I decided to just accept myself and love myself. Now what this does is it allows us to understand that other people are human too, we can start to accept other people, we can start to create a space where we can love other people, too, we can start to allow them to be authentic, and allow them to be human, as well. However we feel about ourselves, is what is going to spill out into all of our relationships. I was actually coaching a woman in a program today that I coach and be bold with Jody more. I do that a little bit every month. And what we discovered is she was full of resentment. And she thought that she was resenting her daughter, well, it’s actually an a, like a foster child that’s living with them right now. She thought she was resenting her, but what we discovered is she was resenting herself, and that resentment was just like, spilling out over into resentment for her daughter. So make sure you generate love for you first, generate acceptance for you. First, you’re a human having a human experience. And then when we give that love and compassion to ourselves, we are really easily able to let that love and compassion spill out to other people. So number five, a game changer for your relationship is to throw away your manual. What I mean by manual is we have an idea, we have a list, we have a book, sometimes even full of pages and pages and pages of what we think a successful marriage should look like about what a successful engagement should look like about what a successful companionship should look like. But what I want you to do is I want you to throw that manual away. Basically, what the manual is, is a list of expectations and thoughts about the way that we think other people should behave. Like if so and so we’re good friends, then they would text me on my birthday. Or if my husband really loved me, then he’d take out the trash. But when we have these manuals, and sometimes they’re pages and pages and pages long of expectations that we have other people, we only hurt ourselves. Because it’s not the taking out of the trash that makes us feel anything anyway, it’s not the texting on our birthday, that makes us feel anything anyway, we just set ourselves up for disappointment. So what I encourage you to do is just throw your manual away. Your manual for your mission president, your manual for your companion, your manual for your parents, your manual for your siblings. What’s true is we’re all just living a human experience. This was a game changer for me, when I decided my husband, I didn’t need him to be any different than he was. When I threw out the manual and my expectations of him, our marriage changed. Guess what? Now that I followed these five game changers, our marriage, our relationship is amazing. Because he shows up as a whole person, creating love and compassion for himself, and throwing away his manual and I create compassion and love for myself throwing away my manual, and then we just get together as to full complete whole people full of love, and just have a ton of fun. Sometimes I think we run into the problem where we want to love someone, but we want to love a different version of them. Like I would just love my companion if they’d get up on time.

19:28 Or I would just love my fiance more if they would just behave this certain way. That’s the manual. Just want to drop it. We just want to throw it out all together. I’m even encouraging. Don’t just throw out a few pages or rip out a few pages and throw those away. Throw away the whole manual. It’s a game changer. The way I like to think about relationships is someone is in my life as an object for me to love. So If I think about loving my dog, Graham, I don’t expect anything from him. I know that I create the love for Graham. I stay out of his model. Like if he’s not in the mood with cuddling with me, I don’t. I’m not. I’m just like, oh, obviously, that’s fine. He doesn’t have to, like snuggle with me. I don’t make it mean anything. Like, he must hate me, I must be the worst owner. I just accept, like myself, and I accept him. I don’t have any expectations that he’s going to reciprocate that love at all. He’s just an object of the love that I get to feel. And the same is the way I want you guys to think about other people in your life in your relationships. You create that love people are in your life as an opportunity to fill yourself with love. It’s not their job to make you feel love. So remember these five things. Number one, you are in charge of creating love and connection for yourself. Game Changer number one, game changer. Number two, stay out of each other’s model, meaning let them have their own thought and feeling and action. And you will be in charge of your thought feeling and action. Number three, take away the meaning. When someone does something, don’t be offended. Don’t make it mean that you’re the worst or that they’re the worst. Let’s just take it at face value. Number four, accept yourself first love yourself first. Even your humaneness, all of it. And number five, throw away that manual. You’ll be so much happier when you do. All right. I hope that these have helped you. They have been game changers and my marriage. Happy anniversary to my husband Mike, I love you any everyone have the most amazing weekend. Take care. Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. Listen, if you are learning a lot from this podcast and you like what you’re hearing, you will absolutely love hopping on a free strategy call with me. That’s where you and I meet up one on one and talk specifically about what is going on for you. I love teaching young adults the mental and emotional tools that they need to overcome worry and anxiety serve the successful missions they’ve always dreamed of and navigate their post mission experience with confidence. So go to Jennie dildine.com and click on the work with me link. I would love to meet you. And I would love to get you some helpful tools and strategies to help you fully embrace whatever is next for you. And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you are involved in. Just know that Jennie, the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day

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Hey! I'm Jennie - The LDS Mission Coach.

Preparing for, serving and coming home from an LDS Mission can present countless changes and transitions. I’ve seen these changes put missionaries at the mercy of their emotions and questioning their abilities. With the tools I teach, young adults empower themselves to navigate every moment of the mission experience with epic, unwavering confidence.

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