67. You Don’t Have To

0:00 Hey, What is up everyone? It’s Jennie Dildine, the LDS mission coach and you are listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 67. You don’t have to. Hey, I’m Jennie, the LDS mission coach. And whether you’re preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission, embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hey, everybody, and welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for hanging out with me today. Thanks for being invested in your mental and emotional well being. Because if you’re invested in your mental and emotional well being, you get to have an experience and create a better mission and life for yourself. It’s actually pretty awesome. Now, all of that to say that part of having mental and emotional well being means accepting that sometimes we’re not doing that good. And it’s totally fine. But when we can take ownership of that, and take some autonomy over the experience that we’re having, whether it’s one that feels good, or when that doesn’t feel good, we take our power back in our lives, and then we from that place, we can start creating whatever we want. It’s pretty awesome. Um, what’s going on, by the time this podcast comes out, it will be general conference weekend. Right upon us, I can’t believe it. Can you even believe that we’re already into October, I I’ve already seen them putting out all the Halloween stuff, all the false stuff. I’ve even seen some Christmas stuff. I just can’t believe that we’re already thinking about holidays, and all of that fun stuff. It can be a hectic time of year. But also, if we’re present, it can also be a really fun time of year. If you’re away from your family, on a mission or something like that, it can be a challenging time of year. So I just say, let’s be down for all of it. It’s all good. It’s all working in our favor all the time. By the time this podcast comes out, my husband and I will also be headed on a trip to England, which we’ve never done before. If you have some ideas about what you think that my husband and I should do in England, you should send me send me a message on Instagram or something. And let me let me know. Like, don’t miss this Don’t miss this. We want to do all the things. And I think we’re also going to take a little train ride over to France and see some of the stuff over there. So it’s gonna be super fun. We’re doing this for our 25th wedding anniversary, which happens on July 5, not the most ideal time to have an anniversary, it was an awesome time to get married, because everyone could get off work and leave town. But now we usually have to celebrate our anniversary in the fall, which we’re doing. And we’ve been talking about going to Europe for quite some time. And this year, we are finding like this is the year first it was going to be our 20th. Now it’s going to be the 25th. And that’s going to be super fun. So I want to talk today about you don’t have to. And what this is going to be is it’s going to be a little bit of a brain hack that I’m going to offer to you that might help in a lot of areas of your life.

4:17 There are a handful of four sentences, three of which are not super useful. One of them I have to and I’m going to talk about a few more. There is a handful of sentences that I want to discuss today because remember, those sentences in our mind, always create our feelings. So first, we’re going to talk about what those sentences are. The three that aren’t useful, the one that is the most useful, why maybe they’re not useful, what they’ll create in our lives when we think about them. And then I’m we’re gonna go through tons of examples of how we can kind of use this brain hack to Um, help us create more of the life that we want and more of the mission that we want. So the first one is the title of this episode, which is have to. So what our brain sometimes does is it gets into like a little bit of like an obligation mode are a little bit of a victim mode. And it’ll tell us, I have to do something, I have to get good grades, I have to go grocery shopping, I have to go to zone conference, I have to get married. Notice how you can even like test it in your own mind, when you think I have to blank. What is usually created, the feeling that is usually created by that sentence, is a feeling of obligation. Or maybe pressure. Now, what I teach here on the podcast, right is that feeling is going to be fuel in our car. So whatever we’re feeling is going to drive a certain set of actions. So when we think I have to clean my room, I have to do my homework, I have to make dinner, I have to send a birthday card, we’re going to create a feeling of obligation. And that feeling of obligation is likely going to drive us to take this set of actions that I kind of came up with, and there might be more, but this is kind of what I came up with. From obligation, we’re gonna start to take some action, but it’s probably be grudgingly we’re gonna build some resentment, we’re gonna take inconsistent or hurried action. And when we think we have to do something, our brain kind of feels trapped. And then we tend to procrastinate. So thinking that we have to do something is not super useful. As we see. The other thing, the second thing that I hear people say, and a sentence that our brain will offer us is need to this one feels a little bit better than half, two. But I want you to think for a minute, when we use this sentence, I need to do my homework, or I need to send this birthday card, or I need to get something done, or I need to be better than I am. What I kind of discovered is the feeling becomes scarcity. As if there’s something we’re lacking, there’s some fear that kind of comes up, that maybe we’re not measuring up, like we need that thing in order to be better in some way. Or maybe some fear, or maybe, again, some pressure. So I kind of think of this, like, let’s say I need to read my scriptures. Notice how when we think about it that way, it has less to do with like the experience that we want to create and something that we want to check off of our to do list, so that we can give ourselves permission to feel better about who we are.

8:46 So you can kind of be on the lookout for need to. As I was thinking about this podcast, what came to mind is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. And if you take a look at that, it’s kind of set up like a pyramid. So physiological needs are on the bottom. safety needs are next, love and belonging are above that, then esteem is above that. And then self actualization is at the top. So kind of what the theory is, is we have motivation to get these specific needs met. And if these specific needs are not being met, it’s really hard for us to move up this pyramid or this these levels of needs. So again, what this kind of insinuates is that there is a lack in some way like I need air, I need water, I need shelter, I need sleep. And if we’re thinking about that all the time. There’s kind of a lack of Like, if we just had those things, we probably wouldn’t be needing them. Does that make sense? So under physiological needs, there’s air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing reproduction, on their safety needs. There’s personal security, employment, resources, health, and property. Under love and belonging is friendship, intimacy, family sense of connection. Under esteem, there’s respect self esteem, status, recognition, strength and freedom. And under self actualization is the desire to become the most that one can be. So again, I say all of this to kind of point out that when we say I need something inherent in saying I need it, is that there is a lack. So I need to be more loving, or I need to get my homework done, because it’s not done. So again, like nothing wrong with thinking that but it sort of is a place of scarcity and a place of lack, sort of, there’s this fear that’s created in our brain, if we need it and don’t have it, or this pressure. It’s kind of like something big is depending on us, that we need to do. So kind of pay attention to need to Okay, here’s the third sentence that I’ve been hearing actually quite a lot lately. I deserve to. So like I was coaching a woman in this program, that I work in people Jodie more, her Be bold program, I do a little bit of work in there for her. And coach, and I was coaching this woman this week, who said, who’s kind of going through some marital stuff with her husband. And she said to me, I deserve to be loved. And you guys, that is true. Like, I do not want to discount the fact that we all deserve love in our lives. But I’ve heard this, like kind of in many forms, I deserve to have a say in my companionship, I deserve to make this amount of money. When we think about it this way, I deserve blank. It makes us feel a little bit entitled. And what I said to that woman, I said, Yeah, you deserve to have love in your life, but maybe it’s not going to come from your husband. The problem with thinking I deserve something is that we get a little entitled, and we get a little bit

13:08 passive, meaning we put the ownership of our experience on someone else. So what this woman was doing is she’s like, I deserve love. I deserve to be treated a certain way. And I totally agree she should have that in her life. But the problem with thinking we deserve it is not everyone’s going to treat us the way that we want to be treated. Because they have their own thoughts, feelings and action. So I deserve blank. Can you see how we sort of abdicate our experience to someone else, think about your companion like I deserve to have a good trainer. This sort of insinuates that the trainer is the creator of the experience and and we lose ownership of creating the experience we want to have. So just be a little bit careful about I deserve now, again, please don’t misunderstand me, like we all have the desire for love, connection, someone to treat us the way that we want to be treated. But when we say I deserve something, we sort of abdicate that responsibility to someone else, or to something outside of us. Instead of creating that love and that connection and treating ourselves the way we want to be treated. Like I’ve kind of gotten to the point where I just don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m amazing or to treat me a certain way. In fact, often they can treat me however they want to treat me and I don’t need them. I don’t feel like I deserve anything from them. Because I’m always taking care of me Do you see what I’m saying? So saying I deserve blank creates the feeling of resignation, or sometimes anger, or frustration, which is just not useful. It helps us maybe not show up as the kind of person that we want to be, and maybe actually kind of causes us to not stand up for ourselves, because we’re giving that ownership to someone else. Okay, the last sentence that I want to talk to you about is the best sentence, that when we’re sort of like in this have to need to, or I deserve to what a good brain hack for you to go to is I want to when we think I want to do something, we create the feeling of desire, or we create the feeling of care, or kindness or compassion for other people, but even more importantly, for ourselves. And we can get to the point actually, where we can decide that we want something, even if it’s going to require us to feel a little bit uncomfy and feel some negative feelings. So did you know you don’t even need a reason to want what you want. You don’t you just get a want it because you want it. And that’s totally fine. I say, Let’s not tell ourselves that we have to, or we need to, or we deserve something, just do something, or go after something, just because you want to. So I want to go back through these a little bit. So have to, you don’t have to do anything, you guys. If you if you want to, you could just decide, like, I don’t have to do any of this. Did you know that you could just decide that. The example that comes to mind is when we feel like we have to do something, we have to go to the grocery store, we have to do our homework, we have to show up at church or whatever. Sometimes it’s just a little bit of a brain hack to be like, guess what brain? We don’t have to do any of this. We really don’t. And what you might find is you actually want to. And so when your brain is like, Yeah, but we need to we need to go to church. Again, you can just be like, No, I don’t, I don’t need to do any of this. Like, did you know that if you wanted to, you could just stay in your bed for the rest of your life. You could.

18:07 And sometimes we just got to show our brains like, I don’t want to have to do any of this. I don’t need to do any of this. I don’t necessarily deserve any of these outcomes. But maybe I want them. Maybe I want to get out of bed today. Maybe I want to do my homework. It’s sort of like when we strip away all the obligation, and all the scarcity and all the fear and all the pressure and all the entitlement and all the relegation of someone else creating our experience. What we find is maybe we want to so let’s go through some of these examples I have. So getting good grades. I talk to clients, especially RM clients all the time. They’re like, well, I have to get good grades. And I’m like, No, you don’t. And they’ll say yeah, do I have to, like I have to get a good grade or else and I’m like, Yeah, that’s what they’re like, I don’t know, I guess. Don’t get a good grade. And like then what then we’ll take the class again, okay. Or they’ll say to me, I need to get a good grade. And I’m like, why? You don’t need to? And they’re like, I know, but I do need to because then I can’t get into the nursing program. And I’m like, Yeah, but so then you don’t get into the nursing program. Okay. Like, oh, okay, I guess I don’t need to, or, like, I deserve to get good grades because I’ve worked really hard. I just can’t believe my professor didn’t see how hard I was working he deserved I deserve an A in that class. Again, notice how we’re giving our feelings away to something outside of us to that professor. And sometimes I just have to be like, I don’t, I don’t deserve that. But then the question becomes is, do you want to do your homework? Do you want to get good grades? And when we strip everything else away, we can be like, actually, yeah. I’m not being forced to do any of this. I don’t deserve to even be at college. But maybe I want to be, and maybe I want to be learning and maybe I want to get good grades. Okay, this one being treated well by other people. So I kind of see this from my daughter that someone in elementary school, like, other people have to treat me well. Like, no, they don’t. Or other people need to treat me well. Like, nope, the only person that need to treat you well. And that has to treat you well. Or that you need to treat you well as you are like this idea I deserve to be treated. Well. The problem with that, guys is some people don’t. Like we can sort of believe that if we want to, if it’s if it’s useful to you, but some people will not treat you well, your companion won’t. Sometimes your parents won’t. Sometimes your boss won’t. But instead, like, notice how we can just say, I want to be treated well. But I don’t need someone to treat me well. Because I treat myself well. What about going to church, your brain will be like we have to go to church. You could just play a little brain hack. Like, no, we don’t, we could just stay home if we want to. Or I need to go to church or my salvation depends on it or something like that. Or, like I deserved, like to go to church and to feel like accepted by everybody there. Know. That really, like, we don’t want to create obligation or scarcity or fear or entitlement, or abdicate our experience to the people at church. But instead, show your brain like, you know what we don’t have to. But maybe I want to go to church today. Same with reading your scriptures? Do you have to read your scriptures? No, you wouldn’t have to read your scriptures ever again. If you didn’t want to? Do you need to read your scriptures? No. Do you deserve to, like, have time to read your scriptures? Maybe you’re a mom listening to this? Do you deserve time to read your scriptures? No.

23:11 But notice how when we let go of the half to need to deserve to what we have left is actually maybe I want to read my scriptures. And then our brain goes to work trying to figure out how to make that happen. This is what I thought of for the mission. Because we have all these goals and things like I have to get baptisms. I need to get baptisms. No, I deserve to get baptisms, no brain, we just tell our brain knows so that we can let go of the the obligation and the scarcity and the fear and the pressure. Now we can want to share the gospel with other people and want people to get baptized without needing it to feel successful, we can just choose to feel successful. Either way. How about this one, change myself or get a better handle on an emotion. So this idea of like I have to overcome my anxiety, or I need to overcome my anxiety or I’ve prayed enough and I’ve worked enough and I’ve seen enough counselors and I’ve worked with enough coaches that I deserve to be able to manage my anxiety or get over my anxiety. Okay, well, those probably aren’t going to serve you very well, because it’s full of obligation, scarcity, fear, pressure, entitlement and we’re abdicating our responsibility to take ownership over anxiety, when instead we could want to improve the way we manage our anxiety without needing to without having to And that creates a whole different feeling of desire, of care of compassion, of understanding of acceptance of love. About your anxiety. Okay, what about stay on your mission? Like, I’ve talked to a few missionaries lately who are kind of going through some rough patches, and they’re like, I have to stay out. And I’m like, yeah, we can, we can think about it that way. But it’s just going to create more obligation and pressure, our brains gonna feel trapped. And it’s just gonna fight against it more or be like, I need to stay on my mission, or I deserve to stay on my mission. I’ve heard that one too. When all of that if we just drop all of those thoughts that create the obligation, scarcity, fear, pressure, entitlement, abdication of our emotions, what we can decide is maybe I want to stay on my mission. That’s maybe just what I want, even if it’s going to be hard. So get intentional about what you want. The last one I came up with, and I’m sure there are millions more, and I hope you find ways to kind of apply this concept of letting go of half do you need to and I deserve, but um, is eating better or working out? I have to eat better and workout. Did you know you actually don’t have to, like literally you don’t have to, or I need to eat better or workout. Notice how that is scarcity about something we’re lacking. Like, somehow I would be better in some way if I ate better or worked out not true. Or you deserve time to eat better, or workout? No. We don’t want to give our ownership, the ownership of our experience to someone else. We want to have ownership of our experience and autonomy over the experience that we want to create. Okay, so what we find when you’re having that little battle in your brain, like one of my clients this week was like, I have to write that essay by three o’clock. And I was like, No, you don’t. Did you know you don’t have to write that essay. Or I need to write that essay by three o’clock. And I was like, no, not actually important for your survival. You don’t even need to. And if you didn’t turn in the essay, there’d be nothing wrong with you, your value or worth wouldn’t change. Or like, I deserve to feel good while writing that essay essay. We just let all of that go. And I was like, Do you want to write the essay? She’s like, Yeah, I think I do. It’s gonna suck and I’m not gonna feel very good. And I’m like, Okay, well, maybe that’s what we want. And then when we decide what we want, our brain goes to work, creating that experience from a place of desire, care, compassion, love, acceptance. All right. Okay, everyone have the most amazing week and we will talk to you next time.

28:04 Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can present a unique set of challenges. And many of those challenges you might not even see coming. So you’re gonna want a unique set of solutions. It’s easier than you think to overcome worry and anxiety, sort of the successful mission you’ve always dreamed up and navigate your post mission experience with confidence. And that is why I created some amazing free goodies that I’m sharing in my show notes. Maybe you’ll want to grab the free training for preparing missionaries, mic video course for RMS or maybe you and I should have on a free strategy call. If you’re ready to take your preparedness to serve or your preparedness to come home to the next level. Then go grab one of those freebies. And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you were involved in, just know that Jennie, the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day.