70. Relationship Tools Expanded

When we understand relationship tools and the strategies that we can use to create better relationships in our lives, we can start to apply those to other things outside of us.  We can start to create better relationships not just with people, but with our lives and ourselves.

Listen in to Learn:

  • What other areas of your life that you can apply relationship tools
  • How to take charge of the story you tell yourself about you and your mission or life
  • Two ways you might be using relationship tools to make things more challenging, instead of easier

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0:00 Hey, What is up everyone? It’s Jennie Dildine, the LDS mission coach and you’re listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 70. Relationship tools expanded. Hey, I’m Jennie, the LDS mission coach. And whether you’re preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again, it’s time to embrace yourself, embrace your mission, embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hey, everybody, and welcome to the podcast, I am so excited that you are hanging out with me today. I love that you’re here. Because if you’re here, that means that you place importance on getting mental and emotional tools to serve your mission, as well as when you come home from your mission. And let’s be honest, like spiritual preparation is important. And I hope that all of you are spiritually prepared for your missions. But if you’ve ever had thoughts, like, I just don’t even know if I’m gonna be able to handle the pressures of the mission. Or I don’t even know if I’m going to, like succeed when I get home from my mission, if you’ve ever had thoughts like that totally makes sense. So on this podcast, I get to help you with all of that I get to help you kind of come up with tools and strategies to think about your life and your mission the way that you want to. And I was telling actually a client on a strategy call a couple of days ago. Actually, I think it was just yesterday, I was telling a client, he’s home from his mission. And he’s just feeling a little bit stuck. Like he’s had some success with summer sales, but also had some struggles in some different areas. And since he got home, and he’s just feeling like he’s not really headed anywhere, and just kind of not knowing what’s next. And he wants to create this five year plan, but doesn’t know how to do it. And what I said to him, as I said, I have some awesome news for you, is you can have anything that you want. And he was like, I mean, I understand that, like, intellectually, and logically. He’s like, but my heart doesn’t really believe that. And I was like I have the best news is in my program, I’m going to teach you how. So that’s one of the reasons I love my RM program so much is one of the things that I see right is when missionaries come home, they, a couple of things happen. First of all, they get overwhelmed with decision making, because on the mission they’ve had, you know, someone kind of telling them how to do things and, and what goals to set and all of that. So when we come home, we have a hard time making decisions. The other thing that happens is sometimes we get really down on ourselves and hard on ourselves for not keeping up on our spiritual habits. I see that a lot. The other thing I see happen is our confidence kind of takes a nosedive after the mission. Because on the mission, we had a lot of opportunities to build our confidence from things outside of us, instead of from the inside. And so we kind of start to rely on outside sources. This is where we start to see a lot of people pleasing, which I want to do a podcast about that here in a few weeks. But the truth is, my friends, all of that being said, you can create the exact life that you want. Crazy, right? The reason is, is because it comes from your ability to manage your mind and to feel emotion and take action anyway.

4:09 It’s just you can’t, you really can’t. You can create anything that you want to. So I’m starting a new program with my return missionaries. Anybody who wants to work with me, I’m super excited about it. I’m going to start a new program on November 1. So any of you that are interested if you’re a returned missionary and you are listening, you need to get in there because I teach you how to create the life you want. I teach you how to overcome your perfectionism and your people pleasing and and I teach you how to think better thoughts about yourself and to create your confidence from the inside out. It’s amazing the work we do in there. I mean we talk about dating and lots of other things too. We talk about relationships, but you just you care have anything you want, you just have never been taught how. And so I want to be able to help you with that. So if you’re interested in joining me with a couple other returned missionaries who are in the same boat as you go to Jennie dildine.com, check out my RM program, grab a strategy call, or just send me an email and say, I’m down, I want to feel better in my life, I want to have confidence, I want to get like some charge over my anxiety, I want to be a powerful decision maker. Just send me an email, and we will get you going on that. Okay, so relationships I want to talk about today. And this podcast is called relationship tools expanded. So first of all, what I want to do is I want to talk about how I think about relationships. And I’m sure there’s a lot of ways to describe relationships or to think about relationships. But the most powerful way that I have found to think about relationships is this. This is the definition. A relationship is simply the thoughts that you have about another person. And I know I’ve covered this a couple of times on podcast. So your relationship with your companion is simply the thoughts you have about them that create feelings in your body. And your relationship with your girlfriend is simply the thoughts you have about her that create feelings in your body, and cause you to behave or show up in a certain way. Now, sometimes we get a little mixed up thinking that relationships are things that we do, or the way that we behave. But really, if you believe what I teach that your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings drive a set of actions, it all starts in your thought line. This is why we can have relationships with people who are who have passed away, or have thoughts in a relationship to someone that’s in our past, that someone in our past could maybe still be affecting us today, because of the thoughts that we have about them. Okay. So if you really want to kind of dive into this definition, and if you want to buy into this definition, it will really set you free, because then you really get to create whatever type of relationship you want with another person. Meaning you get to where you have the ability to or the power to or the agency to think and feel about anybody the way that you want to think and feel, regardless of how they’re showing up. So it’s actually pretty empowering, to think about relationships this way.

7:51 Now, we might even think of relationships as kind of like a back and forth or a give and take. But the problem with that is that sometimes we give but other people don’t take and sometimes they don’t give and we don’t want to take and all of that. So instead of thinking like a relationship, I would even go so far as to say the way I like to think about it is that we How do I relate to someone else? When I’m in relationship to them? How do I relate to them? What are my thoughts about them? What are my feelings about them? How do I show up when I’m around them? Or how do I show up even when I’m not around them. So that is kind of in a nutshell, the way I talk about relationships, if you want to go to Episode Nine, that’s a long time ago, it looks like it was in July of 2021. And listen to three parts of a relationship if you want a little bit of a refresher on that. But as for today, what I want to talk about is this idea of these relationship tools being expanded. Okay, not just to people, but to other things in our lives. So we can have a relationship, meaning we have thoughts that create feelings, in our lives about other things besides just people. So I’m going to give you today, a few examples of these some thoughts that we might have, and some of those emotions that might be created. And this is just really good for us to know. Because if it is a thought, and it’s the way that we are thinking about something, or it’s a list of thoughts that we have about something, we really have the ability to change those thoughts and feelings if we want to. So one of the things I came up with was having a relationship with our mission. So the relationship that you have with your mission, whether you’re getting ready to leave or whether you’ve just recently come home or whether you’re serving right now is just basically You’re a collection of thoughts about your mission. So if your thoughts are, it’s really hard, or, you know, I never meet my goals, or nothing really turns out the way I want it to. That is your relationship with it, those thoughts are going to create a set of feelings about your mission. So how do we know if we have a good relationship with our mission? A good set of thoughts, or a set of thoughts that we maybe want to change? This is one test that I use is like when I say those things to another person. Like what I say to someone, you know what, you’re just really difficult. It’s really hard to be around you. Or like this never turn out, you haven’t turned out the way I thought you would? Like, we probably wouldn’t say those sentences or those thoughts out loud to someone else. So that’s one way you can sort of test it out. Is this i something I would want to say to someone? The second way is what emotions does your list of thoughts create? If it creates useful emotion, that motivates you and moves you forward and creates peace and contentment, maybe thoughts that you like. If on the other hand, it creates like animosity, or regret or frustration, maybe not thoughts that you want to keep about your relationship. But the most beautiful thing is, though, is that we get to decide how we want to think about something. So the next one that I came up with was our body, we have a relationship with our bodies, some thoughts we might have would be like, my body doesn’t cooperate with me. My body doesn’t look the way I want it to look. I don’t take good care of my body. All of these might be thoughts that we have. So again, we can kind of test it. And know like, are these? Is this the kind of relationship that I want to have with my body? Would we say that to someone else? Would we say you never cooperate with me? You don’t look the way I want you to look. Would we say those kinds of things? Probably not. And then the other test right is how do we feel when we think those thoughts about our body?

12:37 Okay, so another one I came up with was, we have a relationship with the place that we live a list of thoughts, either our apartment or house, or wherever we are on our mission. We have like, a relationship with that meaning we have a list of, of thoughts about it. It’s too small, or it’s too far away from campus, or there’s not enough windows or it’s too dark in here. The other one I came up with was a relationship with our life. Okay, we would have a list of things that we think about our life. One that I came up with is maybe everything always seems harder for me. I feel stuck. This isn’t what I want it. Everything’s just never goes my way. Okay, so again, we can run those thoughts through a couple of tests. Like, would I say that to another person out loud those thoughts? And secondly, do I like how I feel when I think about it that way? When I think about my life that way? Do I does? Does it feel good? Does it motivate me Do I like how I feel. I was also thinking this is a little bit more meta, but we have a relationship with the emotions that we feel. I was have coached a couple of clients that will say my emotions are too intense. My emotions prevent me from showing up as the kind of person that I want to be. So with our emotions, even we have a list of thoughts about our emotions. Another one I hear a lot is those emotions are bad, certain emotions are bad. But notice, we wouldn’t say that to another human hopefully. Right? We wouldn’t say that. And when we think my emotions are too intense, it probably creates shame. My emotions prevent me from achieving what I want to achieve. That probably makes us feel guilt. None of these are emotions that are probably going to drive us towards the kind of person that we want to be or the kind of action that we want to take. I was also thinking that we have a relationship with our past or our mistakes. One of the thoughts I hear most often is like I shouldn’t have done that, I wish I would have done it differently. And this is just indicative and helps you see really clearly your relationship with your past your relationship with your past self. But guess what your past self didn’t do better. Or maybe even if they did no better, they were a human, just doing the best that they could. Okay. So, think about even our relationship with our past or our mistakes, I don’t think we would ever say to someone like, you should have known better, you shouldn’t have done that in a mean or judgmental way, I think we would be more loving, I think we would have a list of thoughts to offer them. That would create compassion, peace, love, and acceptance, I have a couple more I want to share with you. Because this one’s a big one for me relationship with our time. Okay. This is a big one. For me, I know, it’s a big one for many of you on the mission. And for many of you return missionaries who are doing all of the things our relationship with time, again, is just a list of thoughts that we have about time. I never have enough of it. It’s fleeting, those are a couple examples for you. But when we think I have I never have enough of it, we probably feel overwhelmed and stress. And when we think it’s fleeting, then we feel desperate. And remember, I always talk about how emotions are like fuel in a car. And so being desperate is not super useful fuel to get you where you want to go. The last thing that I want to point out is our relationship with ourselves. So your relationship with yourself is simply a list of thoughts that you have about yourself. These are some that I hear quite often, I’m never good enough. I’m a perfectionist. I’m a people pleaser. I don’t make friends easily. I’m always overwhelmed. These thoughts are what creates the emotion that you have towards you. So if you are finding that you’re having a hard time loving yourself, or liking yourself, it’s because of this list of thoughts that you have.

17:35 Now I have the best news for you is that none of these thoughts that I’ve shared with you are actually true thoughts even. They’re just a sentence that your brain comes up with, to keep you stuck and small and from moving forward in your life. And that’s the best news because if that’s true, and they’re not actually like factual things, that you’re not good enough, or that you’re a perfectionist, or that you’re a people pleaser, or that you’re easily overwhelmed, you get to create something different. Instead. You can start creating love for your mission. You can start creating love, and acceptance and compassion for your body. You can start creating love, or acceptance or compassion for the apartment you’re living in, the area you’re serving in or the home that you’re living in. You can start creating love, compassion, acceptance, curiosity, for your life. For our emotions, for our mistakes and our past, we can start creating like abundance and peace for time, the amount of time that we have. And most importantly, we can start creating a different relationship with ourselves. So maybe what you want to do is you want to just start with your relationship with yourself because what I do find is when we have positive, okay, I’m not gonna say positive. I never like to, like categorize thoughts as positive or negative. They’re all just thoughts our brain offers us to accomplish one thing or another. But let’s say just write down where you’re at right now. With your relationship with yourself. It’s going to be a list of thoughts. And then, maybe next to each thought write down. How does this thought make me feel about me? Or if you’re not ready to do that for yourself, start with something different. Start with your mission. What’s What is your relationship or your story or your list of thoughts that you have about your mission? And then kind of next to each thought you can write what emotion that thought creates, then the work right is to just begin to slowly change the way we think about things, slowly change our thoughts. When people say, I just don’t know how to love myself, I think it’s actually really simple. You just change your thinking around it. You just change your thoughts. Now your brain won’t want to your brain actually wants you to stay the same wants you to always feel miserable, because then you can serve energy and stay small. But you can, if you’re brave enough, and if you’re willing to do the work, you can change completely the way you see and think about all of these things and create new emotions in your life. Now, there’s a couple things that I want you to watch out for with this relationship tools being expanded to other relationships that you have with other things in your life like time and your past and your body and all of that, okay. First thing I want you to watch out for. Don’t judge yourself, when you don’t have thoughts that line up with who you want to be or how you want to feel.

21:28 So let’s say you sit down and you’re like, Okay, what’s my relationship with me? What are the list of thoughts that I have about me. And there’s a lot of stuff on there that you might not like, don’t judge it. Remember, those are just sentences, tricks that our brain likes to play on us to keep us stuck. So we don’t have to judge it. When you write it down. Just be like, oh, so interesting, that my brain wants to offer me that thought. And what’s true, you guys, is that our brain will keep offering us the thought that works. So if your brain likes to tell you, I’m not good enough, and then it shuts you down, your brain knows, oh, that works. That works. We’re going to do that, again, we’re going to offer that thought Next time, we’re going to offer it again. Okay, so don’t judge yourself. Sometimes I hear people say I just have the worst relationship with myself. And then we feel shame about the list of thoughts. We don’t need to feel shame about the list of thoughts, let’s just look at the list of thoughts. And then decide objectively, if we want to change how we’re thinking about that relationship to ourselves, that relationship to our body. And you’ll know again, because either like what I say those things to another person, or do I like the way that I feel when I think that thought. Okay, the second thing I want you to watch out for is that sometimes we like to take this tool too far. So this relationship tools expanded, sometimes we like to give the relationship itself, its own like identity. So a couple examples I have for you like a marriage, a partnership, a companionship, our family, our district or our mission, meaning like not our own mission experience, but like the the mission culture in general. So what tends to happen is we start to have a list of thoughts about the marriage, or the partnership or the companionship, let me give you a couple examples. Like our marriage marriages, our marriage should be full of trust, or our companionship should be open and honest, or our family should be inclusive, or my district should be really good at meeting their goals and always be motivated. So notice how we’ve taken a thing that’s a group of people. And we’ve tried to assign thoughts or attributes to the thing as if it was its own entity or its own person. But this can often be detrimental because there’s more than one person involved. So when we try to think like my companionship should be more trusting or positive or honest or enjoyable, or happier, or more positive, or whatever it is, or maybe the district or my family. The problem is, is we don’t get to be in charge of other people. We don’t get to be in charge of our district, we can influence our district and show up as the kind of people we want to show up as, or our marriage or our family. But we don’t get to think their thoughts and create their emotions, that is up to them. That’s up to the other people. So as often as possible, I mean, I’ve just heard this a lot lately, like we should have a united marriage? Well, that’s easy to say, or like our marriage should be open, you know, we should communicate openly? Well, a marriage, like, from a factual standpoint is just a piece of paper. Right? A district is basically just a geographical group of missionaries. So when we start to assign, like ideas or concepts or thoughts to something that is not one person, it just gets tricky and messy, because you get to be in charge of how you want to think about a person or a man or your mission.

26:14 So as often as possible, instead of like generalizing, ask yourself specifically, instead of like, what do I want this marriage? What do I want to think about this marriage? Ask yourself? What do I want to think and feel about this person? Or instead of like, what do I want to think about this companionship? How do I think this companionship should be? Ask yourself? What do I want to think and feel about my companion? Or like in a family situation, instead of being like, what do we want to think about my family just generally, they don’t get along. That does, it makes it complicated and makes it hard to create the experience that we want to create? Because we don’t get to be in charge all the time. We only get to be in charge of us and how we think and feel. So instead, like how do I want to think about thinking feel about my mom? How do I want to think and feel about my dad? How do I want to think and feel about my younger sister? Okay. So I hope that you take an opportunity to sort of evaluate not just the relationships that you have with other people in your life, but your relationship with other things in your life. How do you relate to your past? How do you relate to your body? How do you relate to your life or yourself? And the good news is, you can you get to think whatever you want, and create whatever emotion you want, and take whatever kind of action that you want. And that is some pretty amazing news. All right, everyone have the most amazing week. I hope this helps you we will talk to you next time. Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can present a unique set of challenges. And many of those challenges you might not even see coming. So you’re gonna want a unique set of solutions. It’s easier than you think to overcome worry and anxiety, serve the successful mission you’ve always dreamed up and navigate your post mission experience with confidence. That is why I created some amazing free goodies that I’m sharing in my show notes. Maybe you’ll want to grab the free training for preparing missionaries, my video course for RMS or maybe you and I should hop on a free strategy call. If you’re ready to take your preparedness to serve or your preparedness to come home to the next level. Then go grab one of those freebies. And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you were involved in, just know that Jennie the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day.

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Hey! I'm Jennie - The LDS Mission Coach.

Preparing for, serving and coming home from an LDS Mission can present countless changes and transitions. I’ve seen these changes put missionaries at the mercy of their emotions and questioning their abilities. With the tools I teach, young adults empower themselves to navigate every moment of the mission experience with epic, unwavering confidence.

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