89. Failure Ahead of Time

0:00 Hey, what’s up everyone, it’s Jennie Delaine, the LDS mission coach and you’re listening to the LDS mission Podcast, episode number 89 Failure ahead of time. I’m Jenny, the LDS mission coach. And whether you’re preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission. Embrace your life, and embrace what’s next. Hey, what’s up, everyone? Welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for hanging out with me today. I love doing this podcast. So I hope you love being here too. I love sharing kind of little tidbits that I’ve gained from working with hundreds. Hundreds of preparing missionaries, currently serving missionaries and returned missionaries as well as some missionary moms. I’ve I’ve had tons of strategy calls lately with missionary moms. And in just a couple of weeks, I am going to do a podcast just specifically for missionary moms. So I’m excited about that. But thank you so much for being here. By the time this podcast comes out. We’re going to be into March you guys. And what this means for me is that I have survived another winter. Winter is not my favorite, as I’m sure you get the vibe of that, as I talk on this podcast, you probably have sensed that it’s not my favorite. I am playing with this idea of having a second home as soon as my youngest daughter is a little older, so that I can live somewhere warm and sunny while it’s winter here. I love it here. We’re in Eagle, Idaho. I love it here. And it’s an amazing community and I also needs a sunshine. Luckily today it’s sunny, which I’m so grateful for. But by the time this podcast comes out, maybe little shoots are coming out of the ground. Maybe maybe the snow is all melted away, we’ll see. But you know, I never like count my chickens before they hatch. I’m guessing we’re gonna have snow again in March. Although I do feel like my side of the state is a little more temperate than the eastern side, like Rexburg. I did go to school over in Rexburg for a couple years. And so I know what that is like, I feel like it started snowing the first week of October. And then was still snowing on the day that I had my commencement at the end of April. So there’s that. And I love all of you people over in eastern Idaho. But I I’m happy to be in this side of the state. I feel like we just don’t get as much severe weather over here. And that could just be a thought. You guys know how I talk about thoughts and observations on here. That was my podcast last week. So either way, I’m just grateful that we’re headed into March. Are you guys grateful? Here’s the other thing I’m grateful for is all of you who keep leaving reviews on my podcast. Because what I’ve been doing lately, as I’ve been sharing the podcast on a Google Drive with missionaries, so if you want that, go ahead and just like email me super simple podcast at Jennie dildine.com. Jenny’s spelled with an IE, and we’ll make sure your missionary gets this podcast on the Google Drive. Super fun. But um, I had a little bit of like a wrestle in my brain. When I first I was like, Should I do that? Should I send it to the missionaries? Because I mean, it sounds pretty selfish of me, right? But I was like, but then the podcast won’t go up in the rankings, like there will be no record of anyone listening in England and in Zimbabwe, and in Romania, there will be no record of anyone listening in those countries, with missionaries all over the world. And you know what I just decided, I’m like, I don’t really care. I really see what we’re doing here as a movement to get more mental and emotional tools out to more missionaries. So the more that the more ratings and reviews, that we get on there, and if it doesn’t feel like something you want to do totally fine. I love you just the same. But if you feel like sign up kind of this poll, like I do, to get more tools out to more missionaries, mentally and emotionally before they leave and while they’re on their mission, and when they come home, to ease that transition, then maybe just go write a review, and rate the podcast on Apple podcasts because the more mums they hear about it, the more preparing missionaries that hear about it, the more we pass it along to other people and the more people that know and and then actually more people that get it on the Google Drive as well. It’s just super fun. I love the work that we’re doing hair. So I appreciate you guys so, so much. And wanted to share this review today from mall looks like my lover, or Molly Veer. She says, I am loving this podcast as we get ready to send my oldest off to Canada. I am so on board with the idea of supporting the emotional and mental health of missionaries and their families. And this podcast is for sure meeting this important need. Right? I’m passionate about that too. It says Thank you, Jenny for offering us lots of empowering ideas and thoughts about the missionary experience. Right? Thank you so much. Malaviya. I appreciate this so much. And I agree with you. It’s such an important need this mental and emotional piece. That’s what I always say, I’m like missionaries, they’re way more spiritually prepared than I ever was at that age, maybe more spiritually prepared than you ever were. But the tough part, guys of the mission is that mental and emotional peace. That is the thing that I see is the biggest struggle for missionaries that I talked to. And that email me is their beliefs about themselves, their ability to handle emotion, all of that good stuff. So I just am so grateful. Thanks for being here, you guys. And thank you so much for continuing to, like share the podcast and review the podcast, all of that good stuff. Okay, today, we are talking about failure ahead of time. And a couple, several episodes I looked back ago, we talked about decisions ahead of time, which can be a super powerful tool that you can use to create whatever experience that you want in the future. And this is sort of like a cousin idea to that one. But maybe the cousin that doesn’t, we don’t really want to like hang out with as much. But this is the idea of failure ahead of time. And maybe we just kind of want to be on the lookout for this cousin, because sometimes this cousin prevents us from getting what we want. Okay, so let me explain to you what it is this idea of failure ahead of time. And then I’m going to give you tons of examples. And we’re going to talk about it a little bit more failure ahead of time, is this idea that if I’ve never done something before, then I can’t do it in the future. Now this will come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. I see it with preparing missionaries, especially. They’re like, I’ve never served a mission before. How am I supposed to do that? I don’t I can’t do that. Right. Or maybe like we want to, like learn how to do jujitsu or something like that. We’re just like, well, I’ve never done jujitsu before. So I can’t, I can’t do that. For me, it was like, when I started this business, I’ve never started a business before. So I can’t start a business. When we say it out loud, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. But you should know that that lower caveman brain of yours. This is what it does on default. Your Brain on default, your lower brain that caveman brain, toddler brain will inadvertently prevent you from doing so many of the things that you want to do. And even so many things, so many of the things that you’re meant to do. I want you to think about that for a second. There are things that you are meant to do on this earth. And instead, we just like let our brains run on default and be like, No, I don’t I can’t I never done that before. Instead of just deciding and I’m gonna give a tons of tools about how to do that. Instead of like, No,

9:18 I, it doesn’t matter that I’ve never done that before. We’re doing it. Let’s go. Let’s do it. Now, here’s some of the reasons that we like to fail ahead of time. Okay, but first, let me let me give you some examples so you can kind of get the vibe of what I’m talking about. So here’s some examples. I’m not going to try out for the cheerleading team, because I’m afraid I won’t make the cheerleading team. I actually have this happened to me with my son’s a couple of times with basketball. They wanted to play JV basketball and Varsity Basketball, basketball in high school. And they’re like, Well, you know, I don’t I don’t think I’m going to try out isn’t because what if I don’t make the team? Notice how we’ve already failed, we don’t even allow ourselves the opportunity to actually fail, we just fail ahead of time. Here’s another example. I, if you’re a missionary, I’m not going to talk to the person or that person on the street about Jesus, because I’m afraid they won’t end up accepting Jesus. Do you see this? See how we failed ahead of time, we haven’t even given that person a chance to shut us down. We just shut ourselves down. Here’s another example. I’m not going to ask that guy out on a date. Because I’m not sure if he’ll see me as his type, he might say no. Failure ahead of time, do you see it? So instead of opening ourselves up to the possibility of quote, unquote, failure, I have a whole podcast on failure that you could go listen to as well. But instead of opening ourselves up to the possibility of failure, we fail ahead of time, by not even giving the guy a chance to say no. Okay, let me give you one example. I’m not going to switch to an art major. Because I’ve never been an art major before, I don’t know if I’ll be good as an art major. Some of these are actually examples from some of my clients. So again, notice how we are failing ahead of time, we don’t even give ourselves a chance to fail, quote, unquote, and I don’t mean failure and the way that we tend to think about it. I want you guys actually, if you feel inclined, go listen to episode number 21. What to do with your what to do when you fail, that will give you some more insights about what failure is. But to me failure, honestly, is like we didn’t even try. Right? We didn’t even give it a chance we’re failing ahead of time. Now, why do we do this, and some of us might call it something like self sabotage, or something like that, right? Failing ahead of time, we do this because it feels safer to our brains. And remember, that lower brain of yours, I was telling a missionary client about this this week, that lower brain of yours cannot differentiate between physical pain and emotional pain. It literally thinks like, if you’re going to put yourself out there emotionally, to try out for the cheerleading team, to talk to someone about Jesus, to ask that guy out on a date or to change your major, your brain literally feels like it might be death. If we have to open ourselves up to anxiety or insecurity or vulnerability, or nervousness, if we have to open ourselves up to any of that your brain is like, No thanks, we’d rather not. Okay, because it feels like physical pain to your brain, it can’t tell the difference. So another reason why we tend to when we’re running on default, fail ahead of time, it’s a way for our brain to conserve energy. Remember that motivational triad, your brain is always trying to seek pleasure, avoid pain and conserve energy. And so it likes to conserve energy, it wants us to stay in the cave, safe, warm, especially in the winter, when it’s dark outside, and just not get out there and put ourselves out there and do anything. Or our brains actually would like us to never go on a mission, never come home from our mission, never get married, never do any of the things that we’re meant to do. Because it’s easier just to stay sedentary. Now, it’s not nothing wrong, that our brains want to do this, it’s actually pretty useful piece of us that can keep us alive and safe and, and prevent us from doing things that maybe wouldn’t be safe, actually safe. But we just got to be onto our brains when it wants to conserve energy in that way. Okay. Another reason we, our brains love to fail ahead of time, is because your brain is a problem solving machine. And it knows that it can’t solve a problem that hasn’t happened yet in the future. It’s sort of like, sometimes I’ll listen to people that are getting coached. And they’re like, well, someday, when my business is blown up, and I’m speaking on spate stages to millions of people, then I might have to feel this certain feeling. And I kind of want to be like, well, we could just cross that bridge when we get to it. They’re failing ahead of time. They’re not showing up in their business now. They’re not maybe you’re not showing up in your missionary work right now. Maybe you’re not showing up in your dating life right now. Because Some of what we think might happen in the future. Our brain likes to make very, like dramatic stories about the future. And because our brain kind of knows that that that it doesn’t actually know that it can’t predict the future, it’ll automatically go to the past. It’ll go to the past for evidence of what you can do in the future. But listen, if we all went to the past for evidence of what we could do in the future, we wouldn’t have iPhones, we wouldn’t have electricity, we wouldn’t have gone to space. None of us actually would be walking. Because imagine if a baby every time that it was crawling, it was like, Well, I’ve never walked before. So for sure, I won’t ever be able to do that in the future. No, no babies, like for sure I’m walking at some point. Let’s just keep going down this path path. So I want you to maybe notice that when your brain wants to go to the past, for evidence of what you can do in the future. Listen to me, when I say the past, is there relevant evidence for what you can do in the future? Irrelevant. The other reason why our brain likes to fail ahead of time, is because we sort of believe that we can do it wrong. So it’s, it tries to tell us like, well, what if you don’t do it the right way? What if you know, what if there’s this better way? And we can just drop all of that we’re like, there’s no right way. There’s no right way to serve a mission. There’s no right way to build a business. There’s no right way to date. There’s no right way to try out for the cheerleading team or talk about Jesus or, or change your major, there’s no right way to do any of it. Your brain doesn’t want to be wrong. Your brain wants to be right. But what if we just decided there is no right and wrong when it comes to living my life and creating the experience that I want to create? Sounds kind of fun, right? So how do we overcome this tendency for our brain to look to the past to fail ahead of time? What do we do with these thoughts? When it’s like, well, we can’t try out for cheerleading, because we won’t make the team actually this is a personal experience of mine. In high school, when I was a sophomore, my high school was just three grades. I grew up in Puyallup, Washington, anyone know where pol up is, I grew up there went to Rogers high school. So it was only three grades sophomore, junior senior year of high school. And so my sophomore year, I decided to try out for the cheerleading team. But as a sophomore, there were only four spots. Okay, I didn’t make one of those four spots. But at that moment, I decided my brain went to the past to look for evidence of what I can do in the future. So when it came around to junior year, even though there were like 12 or 16 spots, I was like, Well, my brain was like, No, that’s never gonna work. Remember how you didn’t make the team last year? I and I just failed ahead of time, I decided not to try out for fear that I wouldn’t make the team. Okay, so how do we overcome this tendency of our brains to fail ahead of time, I’m gonna give you three, let’s say four things. Number one, give equal airtime to the opposite possibility. Instead of just deciding Well, I didn’t make the team before. So I probably won’t make the team this time. We can just decide, You know what else could be true. And as equally as possible, that I do amazingly well in my tryout, and make the cheerleading team.

19:05 Our brain likes to go to the negative channel, it likes to go to that past because it’s certain the past is certain, doesn’t love thinking about other outcomes or other possibilities. So we have to purposely turn the channel on our TV or a radio or whatever. And be like, you know, what else could be true is it could be amazing. Like in this example, I’m not going to talk to that person on the street because I’m afraid they won’t end up accepting Jesus instead, just be like, You know what else might be true? And is actually just as likely is they will accept Jesus and love Jesus the same way I do, and it’s going to change their life. With this example, I’m not going to ask that guy out on a date because I’m not sure if he’ll see me as his type. He might say no. Equal airtime means there’s that and let’s give as much like airtime. In our brains to the possibility that it could be incredible, and he might be the one that you want to end up with. He might say yes. And then you guys are connected at the hip ever since, like for the rest of your lives and into eternity, shall we say. That is also like your brain will tell you, maybe not. Because it wants to go to the past, it looks to the past for evidence. But what I’m telling you is, the past is irrelevant to what you can create in the future. So give equal airtime to that. It could be amazing. Or like with this example, I’m not going to jump out change to an art major, because I’ve never been an art major before. So this kind of insinuates that something bad might happen, or we might not be a good art major, or we’ve never been an art major before, give equal opportunity and equal airtime to the possibility that you are going to be an incredible art major and like, have award winning work, and love your life even more, because you’re an art major. That is equally possible, you guys, equally possible. All right, alright, second way to overcome this failure ahead of time that your brain likes to go to jump on it and make and move even if you’re scared. Okay, you guys, your brain is going to come along for the ride, it’s going to say all the things it’s going to talk all the time, it’s going to offer you all kinds of thoughts about why you can’t do things, you just put that brain, I think of it like a toddler in the backseat of the car, you just booklet up and say I love your brain. And then you drive to the cheerleading tryout or you drive, you walk to the common square and you talk to the person about Jesus, or you get on the phone and call that guy and ask him on a date. Or you just get on and you change your major. And your brain gets to come along for the ride. So many times I people tell me Well, as soon as I feel confident, or as soon as I feel excited or motivated. I’m like, No, that’s never if we wait, if we all waited till then we wouldn’t we none of us would do anything. Because that lower brain is always going to come along for the ride. Okay, third way to overcome this lower rain, this failure ahead of time, is take action from a feeling you like maybe self confidence, maybe commitment, maybe courage. And notice how self confidence and courage and commitment, don’t feel super good? Because we’re kind of what it insinuates is we’re kind of butted up against something that we’re not super sure about, like our brain doesn’t know, the future, right? So we have sort of this resistance or this push, like, imagine we can’t have courage without fear. We can’t have self confidence with a little if we don’t need self confidence, unless we’re like kind of pushing up against a little bit of doubt. Do you see what I’m saying. And so maybe just pick an emotion that feels a little bit better. Commitment again, like when I think about commitment, that feeling it’s like no matter what I’m doing this no matter what. And that doesn’t mean if I feel I might feel overwhelmed, I might feel stressed, I might feel insecure, I might pan nervous, and let’s do with people. Let’s go. Let’s create the future we want to create. And then the fourth way to come over overcome this lower K membrane that wants to fail ahead of time, is tap into future focus. I love this tool, so much future focus as you go to the future version of you. The one that’s already made the cheerleading team, the one that’s already like, talked about Jesus and shared with Jesus shared about Jesus with everyone on the street, the person that’s already been on that date, and the person who’s already changed their art major. And you go to that future version of you that the one that already has what you want. And you decide, what is that person thinking? That version of me What is that version of me thinking and feeling? And then you start to think that thought now. Like if the future version of you, is that has already made the cheerleading team. If that future version of you is thinking, I’m pretty amazing. I’ve got some really good skills. You start thinking that today. And then you sign up for the for the tryouts. If the future version of you that’s already talked to, like the people on the street about Jesus and maybe even finished your mission, you could even think about it that way. Like, maybe that person has a thought like this was so important. Written, this time in my life was so impactful for me, and so impactful for other people. And then you grab that thought from the future and bring it to now. And you think that thought, just before you talk to someone on the street, if the future version of you, who’s already been on the date, maybe men on the second date, maybe had an amazing time on that date, maybe they’re thinking about like, I just like getting to know people. He’s a really cool, dude. You grab that thought from the future, bring it back to now. And you just start believing that before you send the text to the guy. And then with the art major, you just go to the future version of you that’s already graduated in an art major and is selling like maybe your art professionally or something like that. You ask yourself, what would that future version of me be thinking and feeling? That future version of me will be thinking and feeling this art is making a difference in people’s lives. What I’m doing here matters. And you grab that thought and that feeling and you bring it to the present moment. All right, you guys. So be on to your sneaky cousin that wants to fail. And of time. There’s a lots of reasons that our brain likes to do it. But I’ve given you a few ideas about how you can overcome it, right? Equal airtime to the opposite possibility. Number two, jump on it, even if you’re scared. Number three, take action from a little bit better feeling like maybe commitment, courage, something like that self confidence. And number four, stay in future focus. What is that future person thinking and feeling and bring that thought and feeling to the future to the present moment now? All right, guys. All right, everyone, have an amazing week. Enjoy the beginning of March, and we will talk to you next time. Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can present a unique set of challenges. And many of those challenges you might not even see coming. So you’re gonna want a unique set of solutions. It’s easier than you think to overcome worry and anxiety serve the successful mission you’ve always dreamed up and navigate your post mission experience with confidence. That is why I created some amazing free goodies that I’m sharing in my show notes. Maybe you want to grab the free training for preparing missionaries, my video course for RMS or maybe you and I should hop on a free strategy call. If you’re ready to take your preparedness to serve or your preparedness to come home to the next level. Then go grab one of those freebies. And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you are involved in. Just know that Jenny, the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day.