130. Self Care Is Not Selfish

In this episode Self Care Is Not Selfish, we explore the concept of self-care. Why it is important. Especially during this time of the year when there is often a focus on others. We draw inspiration from the example of Christ and how he prioritized self-care in order to fulfill his mission. Self-care is not just about indulging in bubble baths or other activities. It’s about how we think about ourselves and fill our cup first before being able to giving to others.

We discuss the connection between self-care and self-love. Emphasizing that self-love is essential for increasing the vibration of love on the planet. By practicing self-love, we not only benefit ourselves, but also contribute to a more loving and caring world. Self-care involves cultivating thoughts and emotions about ourselves that align with the fruits of the Spirit. Such as kindness, long suffering, gentleness, and love unfeigned.

Being selfless and concerned about the needs of others is admirable. We also need to prioritize our own well-being and avoid losing ourselves in the process. It is important to find a balance between selflessness and self-care. Ensuring that our acts of kindness come from a place of love rather than obligation or resentment. Being self-centered, selfish, or self-serving, on the other hand, involves a lack of consideration for others and a focus on personal profit or pleasure.

When we neglect our own self-care, we may start seeking validation and love from others. Leading to people-pleasing, a drop in confidence, and perfectionism. By prioritizing self-care and engaging in positive thoughts and emotions about ourselves, we can avoid relying on external sources for validation and instead share love with others. This is why self-love and self-care are crucial. They allow us to generate love from within, just as Christ and our Heavenly Parents have done.

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0:00 Hey, What is up everyone is Jennie Dildine, the LDS mission coach and you are listening to the LDS Mission Podcast, episode number 130. Self Care Is Not Selfish.

0:14 I’m Jennie the LDS mission coach. And whether you’re preparing to serve a mission, currently serving a returned missionary or a missionary mama like me, I created this podcast just for you. Are you searching for epic confidence? Ready to love yourself and to learn the how of doing hard things? Then let’s go. I will help you step powerfully into your potential and never question your purpose. Again. It’s time to embrace yourself. Embrace your mission, embrace your life, and embrace what’s next.

0:54 Hey, everybody, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I’m excited to be hanging out with you today and talk to you about a few things that have been on my mind. I hope your world and everything going on in this December time is going well for you. I hope that you are enjoying your December and taking a minute to reflect and to be grateful and to fill your heart with love. I wanted to remind you that if you have not gotten a Christmas present for your preparing missionary, that I would highly recommend that you hop onto my website and get them Mission Prep Plus. I remember before my son’s left on their missions, it was a little bit like, oh, well, I guess we could get them some luggage, we could get them some ties, I guess you know, they were going to be leaving in the next little bit. And I just was sort of stumped. And all of that stuff is important. But this new program, it’s our signature program. Mission Prep Plus is completely mission transformational. It’s run much like the online MTC. But we’re going to be talking about all of the tools that you need to uplevel your mental and emotional preparedness for the mission. Because that’s honestly usually the toughest part, is just managing your mind, feeling your feelings, those companion relationships, worrying that you’re a good missionary. All of that stuff that tends to kind of take over once we’re out there. And you know, feeling a lot of pressure and a lot of stress, those things come up pretty regularly, I would say. And so the best gift, I think for you’re preparing missionary is Mission Prep Plus. Again, it’s like a two week cohort. If you want to learn more, you can go back and listen to episode number. Let me find it here really quick, 120, you can listen to episode number 120. I give all of the details. We’ve got returned missionaries teaching in there, I’ve got my coaches in there, we offer an ongoing q&a email for the length of your entire mission from the time you start and sign up with us. So maybe you haven’t even started your papers yet. Email us any question what’s going on with you. And we will respond to that through your home mission. And even through that time, navigating home after the mission. We just want to be there for you as much as we can and help you through that difficult part of comparison and all of those things that just are seemed to be part of the package deal when you’re on the mission. So let us help you. And if you want more information, just go to jenniedildine.com, and then click on the preparing missionary link. And it’ll tell you all about mission prep plus and how to sign up. And it’s pretty awesome. It’s really, really awesome. I love the change that we’re seeing with the missionaries in there.

3:56 So anyway, let’s talk about self care. What I kind of wanted to do is I wanted to talk about some definitions. And then we’re going to kind of dive into like, what self care is and why it’s okay, and actually why it’s critical and why it isn’t selfish. So I think particularly this time of the year, right? There’s so much focus on other people. And I think that this is important, and I think this is one of the things that our Savior did when he lived his life was focusing on other people. But I also believe that Christ could not have led the life that he led nor completed his mission if he hadn’t had some self care, some self awareness, of himself and who he was and how to fill his cup first before he gave to other people. In fact, we know through different experiences in the scriptures, right? Is that sometimes the actually got tired. He’s like, Hey, I’m gonna have to step away for a little bit. Then he was like, okay, I can stay a little longer. And then you know, you think of in the Book of Mormon, and then all of those angels came down and there was a whole experience, but I think after that he probably needed a nap. Right? Like he needed to refresh, revive, learn how to really take care of himself, so that he could be there for other people. So I’m just gonna kind of go through what I’ve been thinking about.

5:30 So one of the things that in order to have self care, I think, synonymous with that is having self love. I was talking to a client about this a returned missionary client, and she just was talking about a sister who it’s kind of hard to love her. You know, she just was kind of judging herself for not being as open or compassionate about her sister and stuff like that. I just asked her, I said, Well, what would be the benefit of being more kind and loving, self loving to yourself, even when we sort of have this irritation with sister? And she said, Well, I guess one of the benefits is, is then we’re adding more love into the equation. So I’m going to share another example of this later. But self love actually increases the vibration, or the emotion of love, on just the human planet. Okay, and we’re going to talk about why that matters, and why it helps and all of that in a little bit. But known for now that self love and self care go hand in hand, I think of love as an emotion. And I think of care as an emotion. Now, I think sometimes self care and self love, get a bad rap, because they can be seen as sort of selfish, okay. We’re going to talk about being selfish in just a minute. But just the emotion of love. And just the emotion of care, that you can have for yourself is a good thing. It is. It is good for you to feel those loving feelings about yourself, and to feel those loving and those caring feelings about yourself. And I want us to think about it like this. Sometimes I think self care is seen like we’re taking away from someone else, so that we can have more self care. But I want us to think about self care as less about what we do, like bubble baths, or naps or, you know, just going to a movie by yourself or whatever. Which self care can be those things, but I don’t think it just is those things. I want us to think about it more like what you think about yourself, and what those thoughts create those feelings that you have about yourself. Self Care, in the way that I’m describing it here has less to do with what you actually do and more about and more to do with what series of thoughts and emotions are about yourself. As much as possible. Like we could describe it as love. We could describe it as care. We could describe it as, I was talking with a client this week, we could describe it as long suffering, kindness, gentleness, meekness, and when we start to sort of list out this group of emotions, what we discover is many of these emotions are fruits of the Spirit. So the more we can live with thoughts about ourselves, right, and that create fruits of the Spirit. These kindness, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, the more we can do that for ourselves, the more not only of those feelings it creates on the planet, but the more that we will be able to have those thoughts and feelings about other people.

9:11 So another word is self-less. I looked it up and it said that we’re concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own needs and wishes. Now, I think that being selfless can be a really good thing. As long as we continue to keep tabs on how we’re doing when we’re being selfless. Because when we become overly concerned about the needs and wishes of others, more than our own, needs and well being sometimes we end up losing ourselves completely. So we end up empty, we end up burned out. We get into people pleasing, we get into perfectionism. So what I started to realize was With sort of these words, and the semantics is that they’re a little more nuanced than, like, let’s just always be selfless. Many times we will want to be selfless and sort of sacrifice something that we feel or want for someone else. But I think there is a limit to how much we want to be willing to do that. And you’ll know because it’ll be coming from love, again, those fruits of the Spirit. Rather than feelings of obligation, or feelings of resentment, or something like that. Or even if you’re worried about how you’re going to think about yourself, if you don’t behave in this selfless way. Like I might hate myself, or I might think I’m a bad person, if I don’t behave in this way, if I don’t take cookies to the neighbor, or if I don’t volunteer at the zone conference, or if I don’t do A, B, C, and D, you might worry that you’re going to beat yourself up, then you know that maybe you’ve crossed the line with the amount of selflessness that you want to have. So I think being selfless is amazing. But in being selfless, you also have to include self care and self love.

11:17 Okay, let’s go to the other end of the spectrum, which would be, being self centered, selfish, and self serving. So I see these, two opposite ends of the spectrum, is the definition of selfish that I found is lacking consideration for others concern chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. So I think self love, self care being selfless to a point, as long as you’re keeping, you know, tabs on you are about us and about other people. And the way that we have come to understand selfish, like just semantically in our society, is that it’s lacking consideration for others. And you’re concerned, mostly with your own personal profit. So I think of it like, we can either be on this island with a bunch of other people trying to take care of ourselves and trying to take care of others and, you know, trying to meet the needs of the people around us and meet our own needs. Or we can say good luck, everybody, and we can leave that island and we can go to our, our own island and take all the food with us. Right? And all of the supplies with us. One is beneficial that self care, I’m going to care for you, I’m going to care for these people. And one, the selfish part is, like I’m top dog, I don’t need any of you, I don’t need any of this. I’m out for number one. So along this line would be self serving is like we put ourselves above someone else. Right? Rather than understanding that we all have needs. So there’s the difference between I have needs, and we all have needs. So I include myself. Self care is including myself in all the, idea that all of us have needs, all of us want to feel love, all of us want to feel cared for. Right?

13:24 Here’s one of the things, if we’re not really on to our own self care. One of the things that can happen, is we look to others or their actions to make us feel good about ourselves. This is where we get into people pleasing. This is where our confidence drops. This is where we can get into perfectionism, we look to the things outside of us to make us feel good and feel love. But when we engage in thoughts and kind, and fruits of the Spirit, in our own bodies, with thoughts about ourselves, then we don’t have to look to others to suck that love out of them, or hope that they love us, we get to share that love. Okay, and this is why I really feel like Christ had to have self love and self care, because he didn’t need it from other people. He had enough within himself enough for all of us enough for every human being that has ever lived on this earth. And I think about that with our Heavenly Parents sometimes too, is their love is big enough for all of us. That would not be possible if they didn’t first love themselves and care for themselves and fill themselves up and understand that we all have needs. You know, Christ isn’t like I’m the only one that has needs. He’s like, we all have needs and here let me help you with yours and let me help you with yours. Okay, all right.

14:50 A couple of the analogies I’ve been thinking about lately, is in order to create a place, a kind, loving place. To care for yourself and your thoughts and feelings. A thought of this analogy of a puffy purse. I was talking to a missionary mom client, and she was going through some tough stuff. Of course, always our first reaction is to be like, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Or like, I don’t want to be feeling this way. Which is not self care. Self Care is like, Oh, I see I’m having this experience. Now, how can I be kind and caring towards myself while I have this experience? And so I was like, what if we just took that anger, or that frustration, or that irritation or that sadness, and we put it in a big, puffy purse? and you can carry it around, but we’re gonna soften the impact of the irritation or the anger or the sadness with a puffy purse. Then we just decided what’s the puffy purse made out of then? The puffy purse is made out of kindness, love unfeigned, charity, right? The pure love of Christ, it is care, compassion, right. So the puffy purse is not always going to be able to just replace the feeling that we’re having, but it can carry it. And that’s what self care is, you guys. Is learning how to be kind and introduce love and compassion, even when you’re not showing up at your best. It doesn’t mean I’m going to go have a bubble bath. I mean, it can if that’s something you need. But again, it is just the thoughts and the feelings that you have about yourself as you observe yourself being a human in the world.

16:38 Okay, if the analogy of a puffy purse doesn’t work for you, I was thinking about how years ago, when people started just first making cases for iPhone, I remember there was one brand that was like, you can have this iPhone case, and your phone could get run over by a tank, and it wouldn’t get damaged. Okay, so I was thinking about that! About how we can be our own protective iPhone case. And if we got to, like go through some tough stuff like loneliness, or homesickness, or whatever. The self care is putting that iPhone case around you. And then we just ask ourselves, what’s that iPhone case made out of just like the puffy purse. It’s always made out of fruits of the Spirit. That’s what self care is. So I was talking to a client this week, and he was like, you know, I’m feeling a lot of guilt, I’m feeling a lot of frustration, I’m feeling a lot of shame. And I said, Okay, well, if the shame is not going to go away today, what can we carry those emotions with? How do we introduce some self care, because his tendency was to be like, I’m the worst, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I can’t believe I’m behaving this way. And instead, we can be like, Okay, this is where I’m at. How do I care for myself, while I’m feeling these feelings? And the emotion that we came up with was long suffering. And so then what’s the thought that creates long suffering, it’s just, Hey, this is where I’m at, we’re gonna keep going. You’ve got this, I love you self, you’re not a bad person, you’re a good person, we’re gonna keep going. Because what happens you guys, if we don’t have a puffy purse, or this, iPhone case that can be run over by a tank, like softening these emotions instead is where we do get selfish. It’s where we start to think this is all about us. We become chiefly concerned with our own personal profit, right? And where we then eventually become afraid of our own selves. Where we’re afraid that if I’m feeling this way, then I’m going to beat myself up. It’s not a fruit of the Spirit you guys. Hate.

18:53 Now, listen, I want to put a caveat on here, because I want us all to remember that, we have that lower brain. That toddler brain likes to freak out and say all kinds of interesting things to us. And so we’re not going to always feel self love or self care 100% of the time. Just start. Because of that brain. It’s always looking for problems and trying to point out all of the things that are wrong with us. Totally fine. When you want to and when you’re ready, and it feels like you have access to it, build a puffy purse or build this really solid iPhone case or suitcase or whatever you want to call it or backpack that protects you. That’s self care.

19:33 Now, how do we know the difference between something that’s self serving and selfish and self centered versus self care and self love? The way I’ve started to notice the difference is, one of the ways that I’ve already noticed is one of them is I start to see myself as equal to all of the people around me like they have needs, I have needs, I’m going to take care of them and I’m going to take care of me. Versus the voice that’s just like, I don’t need them. I’m out of here. I just gotta, I gotta take care of me. Okay, there’s a different feeling, right? The other way you might be able to tell is sometimes I notice, let’s say I’m starting to feel really stressed, or overwhelmed, especially during this time of year. There’s one voice in my head that’s like, we don’t want to this is terrible. Like this stinks, right? You just need to give yourself a break, get rid of all of this other extra stuff, and just whatever. That’s kind of like your toddler brain, it sounds a little bit whiny. It’s trying to protect you, but it doesn’t really know how. And so then it just starts spouting off all this frustration or irritation, kind of a deal. Versus the voice that sounds more like, it’s an inside voice for me, it sounds like listen, Jennie, you, you might need to take a step back. Notice how that’s love. Even when I say it right now, like listen, Jennie, pay attention, you, you might need to take a step back from this. That’s coming from love, I can feel the love in my body, myself, love myself care. You’ll be able to maybe just practice starting to know the difference because there is one part of your brain that will not want to do any of it. Right? That’s your conserve energy part of your brain. But start listening to like the lower brain kind of toddler whiny voice versus like your higher, most loving self, the one that can care for you. And practice listening to that.

21:33 All of this is to say that the question becomes, is it possible? Is it ever okay for us to be selfish? And in the way that we’ve talked about here? And when I, when as I thought about this, I’m like, Well, again, it just depends on the the, like, how it feels in your body? Does this feel like self serving? Like, I’m gonna be a lone man on an island? Or does this feel like I’m here to help the whole greater good. And I did think of one exception is that sometimes we will want to be selfish. Sometimes you will want to remove yourself from a relationship. Sometimes you will want to set boundaries. Sometimes you will want to break up with your boyfriend who’s not treating you well. Sometimes you will want to set a boundary with your companion who is not speaking to you in a kind way. Like, I don’t think we’re supposed to be doormats, right, I don’t think that that is what we’re doing here, when we’re being self less standing up for what you want. And what you need isn’t selfish. That is actually self care. And so maybe you start to notice the difference. Like it’s not selfish for you to say what you need, it’s not selfish for you to help people understand where you’re coming from, or to stand up for something that you want. That’s not selfish. That is actually self care. So if you want to call it selfish, great, and you know what’s true, you guys, as some people maybe will see it as selfish. I dare say that there were people probably who observed Jesus in Jesus’s time that did think he was selfish. People probably saw him that way. But that’s not what he was about. He knew on the inside, what he was about, and what he wanted to do, and the feelings that he wanted to feel and the way that he wanted to help people. So if that is selfish to set a boundary, I’m all for be selfish. But I also don’t think that’s exactly what selfishness is, I think that’s actually self care to set a boundary.

23:46 The main kind of takeaway I want us to have is that, when we give, when we share, when we serve, let’s do it from our saucer. And this is a little analogy I heard at some point, and I won’t remember where. But, once we fill our cup, so think of a cup and a saucer. Once we fill our cup up with love with self love, self care, all those fruits of the Spirit, then we can give from our overflow. Okay, just so you know, the opposite of this is true, if you fill yourself up your cup up with being self critical. Guess what you end up serving to other people? Is being self critical. Also, what happens is when you fill yourself up with the ability to see the kindness and the love and care for yourself, that is what you will start to get from. It’s sort of like this idea. You’re like, Oh, I see. I’m human. And that’s okay. And so are you. And so were you. And so are you. And how can we all help each other. The more you fill yourself up, the more you have to give. The more you see yourself as a kind loving person, the more you will see other people that same way. Versus the opposite, the more you see yourself as wrong or bad or never enough, I promise you that that is going to spill out into the way that you see other people. Okay, so practice filling yourself up, and then giving from that overflow. And and if you fill yourself up full enough, there’s just so much to give. You just feel so full, you want to just share love with everybody. Um, I like to think of this. This thought I like to ask myself or this question I like to ask myself is, What does love look like for everyone in this story? Not just what does love look like for me? So that I can escape all of you and be better than you. But what does love look like for everyone in this story? Sometimes love will mean like I set a boundary, or I take my kids phone away. Whatever it is. I set a boundary with someone else or set a boundary for myself, sometimes that’s what love will look like. And sometimes love will be like, guess what you don’t you get to keep your phone this time, even though you know you broke the rule or whatever. Like you’re the only one who knows that. So do what feels like love. Do what feels like self care. Because when you do that when you fill yourself up with self care, that is how you will automatically want to treat everybody.

26:18 I was actually just listening to defying gravity from the musical Wicked, before I started recording this podcast and one of the things stuck out to me from that song is Elphaba sings “As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.” And that’s, I think what self care is. It’s like I want you to fly, I want you to fly. I want everyone to have a chance to fly, even me. Everyone deserves a chance to fly. And I’ve got me and I’ve got you. And we’re all going to rise together.

26:53 I just want to close this podcast with this scripture that came to my mind as I was thinking about this, Romans 835. And it says,” Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or peril or sword? As it is written for thy sake, we are killed all the day long we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter nay in all things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.” Guys, if he loved us, we need to love ourselves too. If our Heavenly Parents loved us, they’re our creators. We should love ourselves too. And again, we won’t all the time, because of that human brain is totally fine. Don’t beat yourself up about that too. Just to be like, Okay, I know I’m loved. I know I can love myself. And then verse 38 says, “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” Isn’t that awesome. He loves us. Our Heavenly Parents love us. And I give you permission to love yourself, too. Care for yourself, too. It’s not selfish. It’s the opposite of that. It’s self less, to care enough about yourself, to be grateful for this life that our Heavenly Parents have given us. And these bodies, and these minds, and these hearts, that they’ve given us to navigate this world down here. Fill yourself up with love, and then give from your saucer. Is sort of this idea. Like, I’m amazing. And I don’t want to have anything to do with that. And I’m going to treat myself like an amazing creation. A creation of my Heavenly Parents. I hope this helps you. I hope you can figure out how to just like, explode your heart with love, because that love will just grow and spill out to everybody that you come in contact with. Alright? Okay, everyone have the most amazing week we’ll talk to you next time.

29:10 Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can present a unique set of challenges, and many of those challenges you might not even see coming. So you’re gonna want a unique set of solutions. It’s easier than you think to overcome worry and anxiety, serve the successful mission you’ve always dreamed up and navigate your post mission experience with confidence. That is why I created some amazing free goodies that I’m sharing in my show notes. Maybe you’ll want to grab the free training for preparing missionaries, my video course for RMs or maybe you and I should hop on a free strategy call. If you’re ready to take your preparedness to serve or your preparedness to come home to the next level. Then go grab one of those freebies. And in the meantime, no matter which part of the mission experience you are involved in, just know that Jennie the LDS mission coach is thinking about you every single day.

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Hey! I'm Jennie - The LDS Mission Coach.

Preparing for, serving and coming home from an LDS Mission can present countless changes and transitions. I’ve seen these changes put missionaries at the mercy of their emotions and questioning their abilities. With the tools I teach, young adults empower themselves to navigate every moment of the mission experience with epic, unwavering confidence.

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